Complicated Me.You.Us.We.

The time has come.

My real thoughts,feelings and perspectives

about you.

I know that I'm hard to read

and sometimes the walls surrounding me is so thick,

high and very hard to get inside.

No.I just hide it.I don't like getting hurt.

I'm fragile.I'm prone to be hurt myself

more than hurting other people around me.

I don't like being seen as vulnerable.

I'm that ego and bad.

Yes,the past is so painful.I got many history.

Many past,many issues.Many tragic,sad and

frustrating experience.

I seek for unplanned adventure,bypassing rules

and limits and strive for non-routine stuffs.

I love living in the world of flexibility and freedom.

Maybe I can share it

all someday with you or at

least someone complicated like you..

I'm don't allow people to read me,

I expect them to read me if I want to
and if only they really want to.

Be it my parents,siblings,close friends and anyone.

If not,just go to hell.I have that IDGAF atittude.

[I don't Give A Fuck]

The first time I saw you,

Yes.Undeniably I'm attracted to you,

the way you talk and smart looking.

But nah,fuck another eye candy.

My thoughts was saying:

"Every guy is just the same,all they do is
play away with girls,gain their trust
once they got it,they got suffocate,
choked,asphyxiated and go find
some other new adventure;
maybe they will dump that girl
and go for that adventure at the same time,
or..
adventure first,dump later.either one.
The cycle will keep going to repeat the game,
but the only thing changing is;
The player and the one who got played.
Am I right?
Yes,indeed.I know,been there,done that.
and I have fallen in love with some of
them unintentionally and I screw it up.
Act cold.Play the show.
Follow your own rules,concentrate at the moment.
You're broken-hearted right now.No time to flirt!"

That's my thought at that time.

At other hand,My heart was saying,:

"There's something about this guy.

 I don't know what it is,

but keep looking at him

with no direct reason.

I keep wondering.

Talk to him.No.Don't talk.

Shits always happen if you do that."

I can't never decide which one to follow.

So,I followed both,I never

want to bother talking nor making

a move to talk to you.

The only thing is,I see you keep

wanting to talk to me.

How persistent are you?

I want to know.

I have to be ignorant.

The show keep being played untill

the last day,8 October 2010.

Friday.

Well,finally...I was in the mood

to talk and socialize around with

the debaters.Ignore the show.

Smile.Be Happy.

It's the last day or maybe the last time

that I'll be seeing these

debaters around and this atmosphere.

I'm also thinking about quitting debate to

that day and change my course nex sem.

It's a sappy day actually.

So,I smiled when passing by you

as you are the one greeted me first.

And also,one thing..I noticed that you have

a tablet pc and

I forgotten that you have one

after that.lol.

Well,I'm so fucking jealous.

I never had one so far.Geez.

Sitting down with all the UiTM debaters.

I was kinda bored.So I decided to go online

in facebook using my phone.
Yes,very interesting.

Hmmm..You send me a friend request?

How did you manage to find me?

hmm.I don't know.Really.Through the

YS debate event page or you find me through

someone's FB?

I just approved it.I'll ask later.hmmph.

I don't want to think much.

So,later that day,I stumbled upon you

alone outside the theater hall and

that is the first time,I actually talked to you

and say,"Hey,*smiles* thank you for adding me
in facebook."

I smiled to myself after that.Phew.I didn't scew

it up and make the respond goes,

"What?Excuse me,what did you said?".

I don't like making other people blurr

when I talked too fast or not clear enough .

[kecik ati ku.mena.haha.]

I'm kinda nervous to talk for the first

time to someone new.So,hurray!I did it.

Yeah,not to forget about before going back,

I got hugged from a male debater
for the 1st time,which is you.

It will be the event and sweetest thing that

I will remember for the rest of my life.

Well,I just keep wondering;
Will I see you again around soon,or will I never ever see you again?

The first and last time..or the beginning of something?

A friendship or something beyond that.I don't care

and I don't want to care.

I admit.I don't like going physical...
I got my own reasons.Ask me personally.

be it with girls or guys.

I'm that choosy,stiff,numb esp when someone

*suddenly hugged/touch me so tightly* and I allow it,

If it is under some circumstances.

I don't know why,maybe it how my parents raised me up.

I'm not used of being hugged or kissed,doesn't matter...

But physical violence,yes.Tragic?I'm used to it already.

I got hugged and kissed once a blue moon and certain events.

Pathetic life of mine,isn't it?

I'm just weird and unique,very much different than other girl.

I think I'm worth to be in a novel or autobiography.

So much trouble,stupid crazy stuffs,random,evil and

experience that I had in my life that can be translated

into a book.

Yea,yea.So that weekend,

I went back home,

Seeing my dad had replaced

my big bulky,black and white screen monitor

to a BenQ FP92W Wide-Screen LCD.
19 Inch.It make me happy.

The first thing I did is to go online,

and when it comes to facebook,

I was opening your page and decide

to post something on the wall,

because,it a very cool and weird fact

to meet a guy which share the same 

B'date with me,6th June.

Now,the show is  getting a bit exciting.

Remember that I posted ;

"Hey,We share the same b'day date 6,June =DD"

and at the same time,

I received something in my inbox

Subject:Hey.

Gemini too! :)

Hey, do you have MSN or YM or Skype? 

Just wondering how else I could talk to you,

because FB messages are slow 

and I'm spectacularly impatient :)

Only if you want to, though. Not going to force you.

Well,of course..I replied that I have all of those

IM's and give away my ID.

and another reply not long after that,

:O

No way.6th June,WTF.

Ok,you'd better be online these days to talk. 

Later,there you go posting  on my wall,

"We're cool 6.6 people :)"

From that moment,yea..

I don't know really what to expect,but I know..

Yes,A complicated guy..but  how complicated is he?

Chances to get knowing a guy like you is rare and

I guaranteed myself ,you're not boring to be with,

exciting to be penetrate deep down inside  and 

it's so nice to meet a gemini,a complicated character.

Just like myself.A mixture of multi-personality person.

It's like getting to know 2-in-1 within a single person.

I will find many things that excites me each day about you.

They are the best people to explore and

get to know,but the problem is..they tend to hide a parchment 

of themselves,their true self,vulnerable side and sometime real 

thoughts,just to please others or not burdening people.

and also their past and whatever that goes inside their mind,

giving other people hard time to understand them,

and also some seen as a scattered and confused character,

but yet can do something out of nothing,

We can set up a show and play along with it.

Doing mindless stupid thing and can't get enough regretting

when in deep shit or stuck in our own mess.

Keep wishing and wanting things in life for more,yet taking what what 

we have best in possession for granted.

Sometimes,when we realize something..it's too late to do anything already.

Flirtatious.yes.We are just searching for the best and 

getting to know the person further,before deciding our 

mind."Pick and choose?" or "Choose and pick"?

Sometimes I do both.I regret doing that.=.=

Commitment and Relationship are things that we take 

seriously,once we make up our mind..and sometimes,

the relationship fail b'coz of shits happens,suffocated,

going nowhere,no more chemistry,no more spark,

get bored or at least screw it up by ourself and regret

for taking granted of the person we claimed to love,

but we betrayed them.

The worst thing that ever happened to me is

falling in love with someone close,being there with him

for years and years,seeing him happy,making him laugh 

but I forced not to tell him anything about my feelings

under some circumstances and it's against my principles.

and I find a hard time to let go of myself from his shadow

but I manage to do it somehow.

It hurts not to tell someone that we actually loved them,

care for them while we are very,so much close.

Simply b'coz I don't want to lose him.

Sometimes,it make me think,loving someone doesn't really

need to be in a relationship,a commitment.

We just need to love and let go.If the person comes back to us,

the persons is ours.No regret.No doubt.

But for me,I did that thrice..still the same thing happen.

I give up,I don't fuck care about loving and dating.

I changed a lot since then. 

All I do is flirt and being a heart -breaker.

I agree on falling in love or loving someone

makes you a better person,exuberant,change all the bad things

about yourself for the person

so they can accept you,you remain to be there through 

thick and thin for that person,wishing them know you 

do exist in their life and hope that person sees you 

and never make you feel as if "invisible"..

but the downside,yes..when circumstances & shit happens,

you become upset,tired,misunderstood,prone to jealousy,

even the word LOVE you will hate to hear,
not forgotten to be mentioned about is;

seeing happy couples around and start saying,

"I don't need a couple,and if I want I can get it anytime and anywhere"

as by deep down inside,you always know that;

It's hard to find love.

It's hard to find chemistry.It's always easy to flirt,play around,

making it look as if we're dead serious and somehow
get bored later.-.-"

It's hard to find someone that is always there for you

no matter what,listening to your problems,

all the boring stuff that people hate hearing from you,

It's hard to find someone to adapt and accept all sided of you.

It's hard to find something that is based on purity and sincerity.

Jodoh.If I can interpret it for you what I think it is,

based on my experience and what I had gone through,

It is written in Destiny and based of on our Fate,

No such things as coincidence. 

That person will be closer than we never think it is,

She/he might be our potential soulmate or at least 

someone who wants you for a change 

for the better things that you deserve in life,

It can be short-while and worth it.

It can be long,full of ups and down and 

you feel like ending your life when it is over.

It can be upsetting and frustrating but worth fighting for.

It is said that they always come in unexpected moment,

make you smile,be there for you no matter how bad
do you think life will crumbling down on you
and it's always up to you to

open your eyes look around for that special someone.

It is also said that,they come as our equivalent half self state ;

If you're a good person,you'll end up with someone good.

If you're bad,you'll end up with someone bad.
If you're mixture of both?You'll find the same type too.

We just need to open up our hearts,which I think 

sometime is hard coz I always love people using my head first,

and then connect it to his soul,heart and body.

I assume that deep inside me,lies this principle:

"Dance with my mind,and then you can dance with my body."

All this while,suddenly I found out that it happens that 

my parents knows about your family and how much did they know,

I don't really know.

I know that I've been staring and passing your house,

every single Raya.We will know about it 

if I bring them to your house during Raya

next year.

I'm sorry that I've fallen in love with you.

It seems like a bad thing for you.

I can't give you anything except my ear to listen to your thoughts,

my smile,my out of this world thoughts and opinions,my laughter,

at any part time of the day or night it is or anytime if you need me,and 

all of this,just to see your smile,hear your laughter,make you happy
and become a better person 

with or without me as something in your life..

despite what people think or say about you,

I can see what other people can't see inside you.

because of just like what you said,

"I'm complicated.and so are you" =)