Dualism Fuel

{ Goes down to a deep memory lane trip from 2010 onwards. Written as a memoir to myself and stumblers} When the whole world seems to bring you down,you will need comfort and warmth from the ones you trust.I may have a lot friends, admirers and acquaintance within this Lifetime but the good ones who sees through you are priceless. A keepsake till the day I disintegrate.  Fame and wealth does comes with a lot of label warning and precautions. I missed the old me who knows very little about how the world works, how evil human can be and the irony between every reality and beliefs that exist. My dearly departed dad always tells me if Life has no challenges or makes you feel worthless, then it is a pointless journey to become human because Life itself is a Test. He explained, to me in his own ways thoroughly what makes " human ", a human. In our deep conversation and countless of experiments together, I had an epiphany that if he's gone, I'll be anchoring Life in " ...

Of Relationship and its epiphany .  I've been thinking on my stance about it and on how I perceived it from my teenage years. Since I started high school and socialize around after college, I get brutally honest confessions, messages or text from people from time to time. I didn't have to ask much to let them exchange their number or social media account. I got tons of contacts in my phone from social media account, mainly because I enjoyed chatting and being empathic towards others. I spent countless of hours talking and gagging if I'm lonely and needed company. I never have to ask or beg for attention. Thus, whenever I'm in a serious relationship, my partner is always insecure or possessive, he will know each and every friends or recognise "potential threat" that he has in order to gain my attention and question my loyalty. I find it obnoxiously nauseating and mentally stalling . I enjoyed freedom, trust and mutual respect from others especially from m...

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts.   At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me. Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression. In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succe...

[ As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.]  Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it becaus e in the end of the day, no matter how rich , intelligent , well-respected or famous you are , the size of your grave will always the same as others . So be humble.   You can only take   3 t h i n g s into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being. It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button.  I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams. There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family. They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want ...