Dualism Fuel

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts.   At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me. Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression. In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succe...

[Now I imagined what could it be if I put my whole life and endeavors into the creative and journalism industry? I could have been somebody well-known for my talents to change the world. Haha. Wow. Sound so illuminati-ish. I’m just trying to express here ] Sadly. My family aren’t too fond of entertainment industry as it was perceived, “ nonintellectual, dumb and major sidetrack path ”. They prefer me to embark on a path where mind power matters instead of the innate talents of an individual possess. I spent my whole time rejecting this beliefs and stigmas. I was a kid who has passion in music, arts, theater, drama and entertainment itself. While being a really active and fit person in my childhood, I had pursued many “ non-academic side-journey ” as my main interest. By the age of 9, I’ve already been active in joining competitions, clubs and performances in school. I remembered the first time I won a poem competition where I had my own father as my spectator and audience. Carri...

[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?] Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time? The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other. It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or ...

[ I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ] What did actually happened  from May- September 2016? I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on  major "heavy" topic  materials, science articles, tech n...

A life full of debts and living in fear. It's not about how I am dealing with life here. But the people. The tragedies and how I am paranoid and succumb to my own  dark shadows. Inner demons. If there is such thing as freedom. It's called "Truth" Truth really hurts, but it shall set us free. Free from being haunted or guilt. I am willing to give myself away, for that chance to be free. Right now, I'm living in a difficult situation that no one can help me. Everyone around me has their own agenda. Sadness, problems, inner conflicts, dilemma. And I wonder, having a significant other right now.. does it make the situation really better?  Life teaches us to be wise and resilient but along the way, the rise and falls.. It's lonely, it's dark.. and the ones who can save you is.. Yourself. So think, if I had a new order of time, to reset all of my past mistakes. I wouldn't do too much for others, I wouldn't love others who will...

Psst! This post is regarding my first mini-story with the theme of unrequited love. Since I'm also a fan of sappy yet tragic story,so I wrote this one last year,during the holidays. I went a bit different somehow,written in a guy point of view towards a girls. Turns out it made some of my friends  after reading it went saying , " Oh,Moon..this is a sad touching story!" The way I see it? Here's a few. Sad but cute.Guys are very hideous in retaining their true intention,making them the most "unreadable" person yet complex person on Earth. Not all guys do want their girl to suffer together with them,they rather let go of them while still watching or wondering/thinking over them in a distant away. Guys want girls to know that they're loving you,no matter how too late or how fucked up things had happened in between them. Sounds like I'm being bias to guys rather than to girls eh?No,that's just how I review this story. Personal opinions of mi...