Of Flashbacks and setbacks

[I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ]

What did actually happened  from May- September 2016?

I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on  major "heavy" topic  materials, science articles, tech news and humor. The truth is I don’t want to be labelled as insane and unwell/troubled or traumatized. So, whatever it takes to make myself look normal, I will plunged myself acting into it, until the pressure became a turmoil and create a catastrophe to myself. I knew that I screwed myself for being such a passive-aggressive person in times of distress.

I was feeling tired and have no appetite to eat all the time in these few months. Unmotivated and have little interest of whatsoever people around me intent to do with their lives.  These fluctuation of mood swings and terrible sudden nervous breakdown made every second and every day of my life feel like I should leap to death from the twentieth floor and hoping to be pronounced “Dead on Arrival” and my body to be taken fresh to be bathed. No needing for autopsy.Someone has to report my death for documentation purposes. Get ready some kain kafan and dig the grave plot for burial. That is how far my suicidal thoughts develops. I admit, I made friends with a lot depressed and toxic humans around me. Plus, I was in love with a mad person who indulge himself in gore and graphic explicit inhuman materials for years and I developed the same interest with him which was watching blood, killing and sadistic materials on the dark net. Why? I simply wanted to understand his psychopath nature and I regret it because it turned me into a mini psychopath too, as I got addicted to the materials which we watched together. (yea, I agreed the fact that I was strangely drawn to anything bad and psychotic that he did as I was very young and gullible at the time I dated him) He introduced me to everything morbid and asked me to abandon religion because he said “religion and God is overrated”. So, the love story that I had with him isn’t what like normal couple does. Believe me. Being abused and crying becomes normal and he would apologized and then talked nicely, hugging and kissing me like he will change his behaviors. He knew he has made me into his puppet and a camouflage because I kept coming back to him. I’m still haunted by the past things and somehow whatever happens in the year 2010-2014 is recurring back as memories and sudden flashbacks.

I was also in a state full of confusion and anxiety. Every time my old flame and admirers expressed how they wanted me to accept them as a future soulmate and be in relationship. I fear my past is still lurking and worst thing could happened is my own death and I will lose them forever. I was struggling with panic attacks and suicide attempts these few months. I told them, I wasn’t ready and I did push most of my best friends and old love interest away. In fact, I had to because I do not want them to worry as my mental and physical health deteriorate. I love them so much that I had to leave them and act like a complete asshole. I prayed that things will work out for them because I don’t want to live as a burden and drag them into a hole of despair. No matter what they did and said to me, I felt that they deserve someone better and have someone at their own same level. It is not fair for them to be with someone like me. I felt my whole world is crushed when I decided to ignore and cut off communication with them for their own sake. I wanted them to be happy and not get affected with my conditions and illness.

There times when I needed ideas and inspiration to write and draft my work goes stalling.I can’t recount how many times I procrastinated and went into a state where I was unable to concentrate and relapse into crying and finding myself in a terrible bad mood. It’s where the voices and hallucinations or “things” come into my mind and inflicted me with nightmares and extreme paranoia. It took over me whenever I started crying and I blanked out. I don’t remember what I did and when I snapped back to reality. I was writing absurd things or reaction almost like a “happy-drunk-aggressive-lady”. I feel like there’s something else taking over me. People may say it’s just a reverse personality disorder, but reality is we know what it is. A state of induced psychosis and could result in self-harm & injury if left untreated. In spiritual term, it is called possessed. I don’t want to go further into that because well, the eerie and creepy feeling of being “somebody who is non-existential” sometimes freaks me out.  The battle to not let them in is real and on going. The feeling of things following and seeing them is real. It’s just how far do I have to go to get rid of these “induced pyschosis” leaves me puzzled. Am I too lonely till it gets into me? Or am I too relying on God to save my poor soul? I often questioned that. Up until this moment.

Okay back to the title. The flashbacks!

Especially with my ex. It bugs me.The last few years, I couldn’t even remember what we did together and the so called “happy time” moment because the ratio of unpleasant things he did and forced me into is higher than all the “lovey dovey” things which are normal in a dating relationship. The night when my dad passed away begins to fade but as I entered the hospital again. Everything came to my mind just like yesterday. The sound of my mom screaming my name when she received emergency news about my grandma made me traumatized too. The death threats that I received. The night where I was literally almost being kidnapped and taken hostage by my classmate. Yes, bad flashbacks. I had repressed each bad incidents that happened but it distorted my emotions instead when these feeling of being unworthy recurred. I beg for these horrifying flashback to stop. I have yet to know the cause because it could be the side effect of the pills or it’s just my memories are getting clearer?

'''sorry peeps. I had written so many detailed about what I am going through. I really hope it helps me in healing my mental and spiritual health. Even if it doesn’t do much, at least it release bits of pain and secrecy of being hunted by the past and having trouble to remember where it all begins.Ciao. I love you all
 

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