Dualism Fuel

[ I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ] What did actually happened  from May- September 2016? I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on  major "heavy" topic  materials, science articles, tech n...

I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments.. So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately. It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects.  Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here!  It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron!  Basically, it's a hardcore  love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop. What a fucking terrible state of mind I have. What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching? Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to mor...

A life full of debts and living in fear. It's not about how I am dealing with life here. But the people. The tragedies and how I am paranoid and succumb to my own  dark shadows. Inner demons. If there is such thing as freedom. It's called "Truth" Truth really hurts, but it shall set us free. Free from being haunted or guilt. I am willing to give myself away, for that chance to be free. Right now, I'm living in a difficult situation that no one can help me. Everyone around me has their own agenda. Sadness, problems, inner conflicts, dilemma. And I wonder, having a significant other right now.. does it make the situation really better?  Life teaches us to be wise and resilient but along the way, the rise and falls.. It's lonely, it's dark.. and the ones who can save you is.. Yourself. So think, if I had a new order of time, to reset all of my past mistakes. I wouldn't do too much for others, I wouldn't love others who will...

Trust.I think we as the gemini has a lot of issues regarding trust.Some learn about it the hard way, and such a very tormenting moment that had to be gone through,just for the sake of learning, "What's trust? What to do with it when we have it? If we have it,can we manipulate it? If we twisted the truth a bit,here and there.. will it be a bad thing for us?Why is it so fun to enjoy the show while hurting other and it's so addicting? and why it hurts the people so much when we did something to abuse it?" I think about it.All day.Despite I'm wasting my time,doing all those geekish stuff and having fun chatting around with someone special in my life right now. Yeah,he's special coz he can understand how I feel to be inflicted with such complex duality that exist upon me and him. and I just love him as the way he is. Back to the topic. Trust.Fuck it,a guy.. who been abusing my trust.He's not even my ex. He's nothing in my life,tho we are related geneticall...