Dualism Fuel

" We need to catch up. Seriously. " " Last time we talked is two years ago " " I hope you're doing well now. Better than last time" " You didn't come to my wedding or response to my invitation.I knew something must've came up ." " How's life? Are you still dating that asshole that I told you to leave?He's only using you, on and off." " I hate hearing you crying or suffer. You're very smart, talented, pretty, nice and funny girl. So much to live for. " " Have you done anything stupid again, Moon? I know you're crazy and fucked up inside for many reasons " Those are some of conversation starters from my close friends that reeks my heart. Reconnections of deep thoughts and intentions from a few that knows me too well. Yes. In these few weeks, my old crushes, acquaintance, exes, good friends, and "almost a thing phase", they decided to reconnect me back into their Life, ...

[Nujabes- Luv sick part 2 (instrumental) was playing in the background while I wrote this. I highly recommend people to listen to this track. It’s beautiful and soothing. Such a great majestic masterpiece by the late Japanese DJ/Hip Hop producer, Seba Jun. DO GIVE IT A LISTEN to this track while reading my blog post! TEE HEE ] How am I trying to progress in life despite struggling with health issues? By initiating multiple group & self-projects, work,volunteering, hobbies and doing many research on certain topics.During the last few months, I was busy writing my book about the state of human mind and spirituality called, “Tunnel”. Sadly, my health and time has been distorting this specific long term project and I find it hard to finish it on time. It’s a personal book and compilation of inspiration that I had obtained from people and books. There are days, I hunger for more new substances, knowledge and materials for the sake of the book itself. I showed the sample t...

[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?] Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time? The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other. It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or ...

[ I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ] What did actually happened  from May- September 2016? I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on  major "heavy" topic  materials, science articles, tech n...

I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments.. So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately. It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects.  Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here!  It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron!  Basically, it's a hardcore  love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop. What a fucking terrible state of mind I have. What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching? Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to mor...

A life full of debts and living in fear. It's not about how I am dealing with life here. But the people. The tragedies and how I am paranoid and succumb to my own  dark shadows. Inner demons. If there is such thing as freedom. It's called "Truth" Truth really hurts, but it shall set us free. Free from being haunted or guilt. I am willing to give myself away, for that chance to be free. Right now, I'm living in a difficult situation that no one can help me. Everyone around me has their own agenda. Sadness, problems, inner conflicts, dilemma. And I wonder, having a significant other right now.. does it make the situation really better?  Life teaches us to be wise and resilient but along the way, the rise and falls.. It's lonely, it's dark.. and the ones who can save you is.. Yourself. So think, if I had a new order of time, to reset all of my past mistakes. I wouldn't do too much for others, I wouldn't love others who will...

Sounds like I'm going to commit suicide eh? No.Not yet.I won't kill myself yet. I feel so stress nowadays.Cry myself to sleep. Don't worry,sanity is still in me but I feel derailed minded nowadays. I don't think my home is a "home sweet home",sometimes is like a prison. Packing my stuff,to begone from the hostel by this Friday night. I miss someone very dearly now.His jokes.His laughter.His smile.His Voice. His random thoughts.His hug.Everything about him. The 1st and only guy who sings for me at skype at the middle of the night. Some other day,I'll sing a song for you too..=) I have this feeling of..idk,it's a deep and sad as if I can't meet him again maybe untill next year.It's just my thought,instinct or what...? I miss you.I miss you.Miss you.Miss you.Miss you. Some other things are also messing up my head right now. They make me sad,worried and so wanting-to-give-up-in-my-life feeling. I can't list them all here.It will me make look so...