Buried:The Melancholia episodes

"We need to catch up. Seriously. "
"Last time we talked is two years ago"
"I hope you're doing well now. Better than last time"
"You didn't come to my wedding or response to my invitation.I knew something must've came up."
"How's life? Are you still dating that asshole that I told you to leave?He's only using you, on and off."
"I hate hearing you crying or suffer. You're very smart, talented, pretty, nice and funny girl. So much to live for. "
"Have you done anything stupid again, Moon? I know you're crazy and fucked up inside for many reasons"

Those are some of conversation starters from my close friends that reeks my heart. Reconnections of deep thoughts and intentions from a few that knows me too well. Yes. In these few weeks, my old crushes, acquaintance, exes, good friends, and "almost a thing phase", they decided to reconnect me back into their Life, just as I wrote the post  "of Relationship and its Epiphany" in the past.It's like The Universe is wanting me to change my perspective or just testing me to ignore the past and process it out as a dark joke. We did a lot of catching up through the phone, skype and laugh like crazy teenagers because I am struggling with melancholia spree of crying myself to sleep due terrifying flashbacks or nightmare that I repressed.It's funny how I changed too much from a cheerful person to the most darkest personality I never thought I could be. 2018 is indeed a year, I hope to rediscover back my strength and renew my faith in things that I held onto.I just got to push myself forward every day. Step on the thorns and walk the road. Climb. Crawl.Improvise. Most of all, survive it like a pro while enjoying the scenery behind every bad shit that has ever happened, smiling. Being grateful for it has been written as the way it is; Our Past, Present and Future. The acceptance of Qada' and Qadar as the last pillar of Faith in Islam.

Honestly.

I lost huge parchments of myself last year and went to the Hell of the Living. I keep crashing into things. I was angry and hating myself even more each day. I keep pushing people away. It was down into a sinking hole with self torture. I was ready to end myself for a few times, but I am afraid of what lies beyond after this world and the pain of my loved ones especially my little sister. My confidante. She is as individualistic as me. A mini-me with a mature mindset about the harsh reality of Life. I want a Lifetime to make her happy, or just rule our own world by doing the things we enjoy the most.  We know how to handle ourselves in the most illogical and emotional circumstances. Maybe cry it out  in our prayers or just wrote something memorable for us to ponder in the later years. Being reserved and adapting into ambivert personality has its own major perks and disadvantages.

True. This melancholia episodes was on repeat.I let myself get carried away with these humans who drained me. There is a sense of void and wanting to belong again, especially when someone who knew you from your worst days till your very best form tries to convince that he/she wants to have the same insight about Life, but you can be sure damn sure that it has already reached a new low; a negative balance of Respect and Trust in that person . A strategy that will ever work out and tactics full of loopholes. I knew someone who from my childhood and we happened to read each others mind and soul without even trying. We grew up up together, apart, reconnect, drifted away and tries to make things happen in a endless loop. It felt forced, because my family wanted us to be together. I already gave up on him, over and over again. My feelings died. Hearing his voice and how he wanted to impress me again, bleeds me. It is hurting me too much. I left. I deserved to put an ending to this melancholic hopeless story.

Me: "Where were you during the days when I was very sick and needed you the most?"
Him: "I went missing for a few times.I left. I changed. I never expect you to suffer this badly. Please give me another chance to make things right. To cherish our friendship and love.Start over. "
Me: "I won't be around forever. Stop trying to undo things. I have loved you since our childhood. For many years onward. I will always cherish you and how we met and your thoughts. How you had made me feel special. Our endless silly laughter.How you ran to me for advice and opinions."
Him:" You will always understand me. I'm an idiot to let you gone into sickness. Feeling alone. You waited for me all these years by dating morons, abusers and assholes. I just wanted to see how true your feelings are to me. "
Me:" I held onto to our bittersweet memories, but it wasn't enough grip. Imagine if we're already married and you keep on disappearing on me. Acting cold and always finding fault. We'll end up hurting each other and our children. Tear our families apart. "
Him: "So, if we were already married and I fucked things up between us, you would still leave me? You're a bitch."
Me: "Yes. It's because marriage nowadays isn't necessarily a prove of love. Sometimes divorces, separations and break-ups are the prove of its existence and how it made them a better person after that. It's called self-respect. People are scared to leave each other because of the emotional pain, but I am not one of these typical people. I can live without you. Don't fucking argue with me."
Him: "Your ego is far too high now. I made you this way. I broke you. I can fix this. Us. Our future."
Me: "Things always happened for many reasons. Accept the fact that we're not meant to be. I'm hurting myself whenever I get near or hear from you. I prayed you will find happiness someday. Whatever you want or do in Life. All the best. Farewell."

{This final talk between us became a benchmark to any relationship that I started. It cuts deeps, but runs even deeper. I think this has been affecting me like a kryptonite. My first overall continuous heartbreak for almost 16 years has been considered the most excruciating pile of shit ever. I laid it to rest. Buried it with a hazardous tombstone and visit it once in awhile to remember the person I used to be. An almost, but never.}