Dualism Fuel

{ Goes down to a deep memory lane trip from 2010 onwards. Written as a memoir to myself and stumblers} When the whole world seems to bring you down,you will need comfort and warmth from the ones you trust.I may have a lot friends, admirers and acquaintance within this Lifetime but the good ones who sees through you are priceless. A keepsake till the day I disintegrate.  Fame and wealth does comes with a lot of label warning and precautions. I missed the old me who knows very little about how the world works, how evil human can be and the irony between every reality and beliefs that exist. My dearly departed dad always tells me if Life has no challenges or makes you feel worthless, then it is a pointless journey to become human because Life itself is a Test. He explained, to me in his own ways thoroughly what makes " human ", a human. In our deep conversation and countless of experiments together, I had an epiphany that if he's gone, I'll be anchoring Life in " ...

{ My eccentric nature is to memorize people through the ambience; of smell, touch, hearing and gestures.} The most important of all is their voice and the look inside their eyes tells me everything. Some part of their past, present and future came crawling into my skin but I insisted taking it in all slowly, disseminate and digest properly. Observing people unfold their demons and irks and then just go with the flow,instead of jumping into conclusions and judgement. People radiate energy in both beneficial and harmful ones to their surroundings. Reading people can be intriguing yet tiring because of the constant contradiction of between the emotions and rational level in handling circumstances are at par of each other. Being rational and sensible is better than letting your vulnerability and weaknesses screw you over a petty thing. I was told by people that my walls are made of solid concrete that could only be demolished by Time and Effort. In the past few years, what and how did I ...

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts.   At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me. Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression. In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succe...

[Now I imagined what could it be if I put my whole life and endeavors into the creative and journalism industry? I could have been somebody well-known for my talents to change the world. Haha. Wow. Sound so illuminati-ish. I’m just trying to express here ] Sadly. My family aren’t too fond of entertainment industry as it was perceived, “ nonintellectual, dumb and major sidetrack path ”. They prefer me to embark on a path where mind power matters instead of the innate talents of an individual possess. I spent my whole time rejecting this beliefs and stigmas. I was a kid who has passion in music, arts, theater, drama and entertainment itself. While being a really active and fit person in my childhood, I had pursued many “ non-academic side-journey ” as my main interest. By the age of 9, I’ve already been active in joining competitions, clubs and performances in school. I remembered the first time I won a poem competition where I had my own father as my spectator and audience. Carri...

I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments.. So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately. It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects.  Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here!  It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron!  Basically, it's a hardcore  love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop. What a fucking terrible state of mind I have. What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching? Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to mor...

Gemini. What do you can generalize upon reading the above statement? They're the twins in Zodiac Astrology.Happy and moody. Naive but Cunning,Good and bad.All at the same time. Everything seems to be in an opposite manner from one moment to another.The misconception is about what makes them looking rather "bad" than good,in general.Being misunderstood,misjudge etc etc. Been seeing all those things inside me,and I'm not being prudish enough to say that we're the star but also puppeteer in our life. The ability to change everything from the smallest part of our personality till affecting other people's life and decision has become a solid line on how a complex personality that we can be,but never be taken in seriously for some people,if not all. So,back to what this post is really about.Misconceptions. Here's a few: Very indecisive, unsure & sometimes has no exact aims and direct goals in live Flirtatious, no self will to commit in a re...

I wish I could tell people the things I wrote in the internet and my blogs are my real feelings, Sometimes,my dear.. I wish I could tell those words to the person that I refer to.. For me,I'm a human puzzle,a very confusing personality, an entity,a symbol of dualism,a human with a lot of personalities, and I can change it in a very,very fast way.. If overwhelm,I would do things that could harm me in the first place and regret about it later, I'm just a very complicated personality, I don't really like people seeing me too good,nor too bad.. I rather look bad so that people can't see my vulnerable side, people always like to prejudge what I do, misunderstand and misinterpreting the things I do,or say.. I really want to be a symbol or something to people who have a complicated personality like me,I'm just too hard to be understand by certain people, and sometimes,we don't have any chemistry at all, they were never meant to be my friends at the first...