Dualism Fuel

[ As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.]  Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it becaus e in the end of the day, no matter how rich , intelligent , well-respected or famous you are , the size of your grave will always the same as others . So be humble.   You can only take   3 t h i n g s into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being. It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button.  I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams. There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family. They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want ...

[ I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ] What did actually happened  from May- September 2016? I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on  major "heavy" topic  materials, science articles, tech n...

I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments.. So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately. It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects.  Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here!  It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron!  Basically, it's a hardcore  love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop. What a fucking terrible state of mind I have. What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching? Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to mor...

A life full of debts and living in fear. It's not about how I am dealing with life here. But the people. The tragedies and how I am paranoid and succumb to my own  dark shadows. Inner demons. If there is such thing as freedom. It's called "Truth" Truth really hurts, but it shall set us free. Free from being haunted or guilt. I am willing to give myself away, for that chance to be free. Right now, I'm living in a difficult situation that no one can help me. Everyone around me has their own agenda. Sadness, problems, inner conflicts, dilemma. And I wonder, having a significant other right now.. does it make the situation really better?  Life teaches us to be wise and resilient but along the way, the rise and falls.. It's lonely, it's dark.. and the ones who can save you is.. Yourself. So think, if I had a new order of time, to reset all of my past mistakes. I wouldn't do too much for others, I wouldn't love others who will...

Gemini. What do you can generalize upon reading the above statement? They're the twins in Zodiac Astrology.Happy and moody. Naive but Cunning,Good and bad.All at the same time. Everything seems to be in an opposite manner from one moment to another.The misconception is about what makes them looking rather "bad" than good,in general.Being misunderstood,misjudge etc etc. Been seeing all those things inside me,and I'm not being prudish enough to say that we're the star but also puppeteer in our life. The ability to change everything from the smallest part of our personality till affecting other people's life and decision has become a solid line on how a complex personality that we can be,but never be taken in seriously for some people,if not all. So,back to what this post is really about.Misconceptions. Here's a few: Very indecisive, unsure & sometimes has no exact aims and direct goals in live Flirtatious, no self will to commit in a re...