Skip to main content

Stranded.

A life full of debts and living in fear.
It's not about how I am dealing with life here.
But the people.
The tragedies and how I am paranoid and succumb to my own 
dark shadows.
Inner demons.
If there is such thing as freedom.
It's called "Truth"
Truth really hurts, but it shall set us free.
Free from being haunted or guilt.
I am willing to give myself away, for that
chance to be free.
Right now,
I'm living in a difficult situation that no one can help me.
Everyone around me has their own agenda.
Sadness, problems, inner conflicts, dilemma.
And I wonder, having a significant other right now..
does it make the situation really better? 
Life teaches us to be wise and resilient
but along the way,
the rise and falls..
It's lonely, it's dark..
and the ones who can save you is..
Yourself.
So think,
if I had a new order of time,
to reset all of my past mistakes.
I wouldn't do too much for others,
I wouldn't love others who will betray me,
I wouldn't keep trusting and be devoted as a dog.
In the end, there are ONLY TWO OUTCOMES:

 1) You will get loved and appreciated when you needed people the most.
2) You will get backstabbed and bitten behind your back, with everything that you did..except, you are used    your name/reputation is tarnished.

 Here, I am writing an awful truth about myself. I made mistakes along the way to get my goals. I had disappointed those who really care about me. I was really down on my knees this semester that I don't know where to begin again since some unexpected circumstances. It is hard for me to spit it out here as a blog is where I am trying to express what I had kept inside for so long.I had kept this feeling of being betrayed/used and disappointed with myself for so long.

 Let me tell you something about myself.

 I love speaking to the public, I love singing and I love writing or travelling alone and meeting new people.
Learning about life itself. In fact, the biggest dream in my life is to become a writer,language professor journalist or work on big media corporation such as Bloomberg, CNN or Google. 

 I have a hobby, a dying passion to be free someday. I have a vision. where my life is not planned by others or being a slave to others. Believe me, I have tolerated and tried my best to make everyone happy. 
I believe I learn my limits that I cannot be there to satisfy everyone around me.
If there's a lesson about myself and how I should be living. I found a few important ones.

 1) Don't trust people easily.
2) Don't fall in love deeply with guys who are not matured enough.
3) Don't enslave yourselves to others
4) Don't be afraid to stay "silent"
5) Don't be afraid to say "No" even it sounds selfish.

 If I can begin everything right from the start..
I'll shall choose to me the way I am right now.
Maybe aloof, but never deceived.
Cold but had a beating warm heart to those willing to understand
and listen.

 I might sound crazy or very emotional.
If love does makes us want to be a better person. 
I shall choose to wait and fight for it.
I might have to wait and finish what I wanted in life, before settling down.

 The right guy, but not the right moment.
Perhaps.

 I wish my life could be in a stable condition,
I wish people could understand how much in a crisis I am dealing with.

 If people never cared about what I said, at least..
If you ponder upon this blog on 2014.
You shall understand, I have been through a lot.
I started to miss my family and close friends so very much.
It makes me think, how such selfish person I am when I am always stuck
on my own world, thinking on how to evade people...

 sigh.

 Well, this is a summary of the first three months of 2014.

 Idios.



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

#2.8 Forth letter

Hi again, My life partner and soulmate, Ikhwan Faiz, ❤️ This is the 4th letter from me to you, sayang. I know all of my letters are reflecting on my dreams and spirituality that I wanted to share with you. So that it will be relevant anytime you read this if you feel uninspired, sad or wanted to be reminded of my love to you. Maybe when our kids grow up, you can share my letters to them and talk about how you feel every time you read it. I know I'm very far-sighted and visionary, but I only wanted you to have the best optimism about everything in Life, together with me. I want to share everything I felt deeply inside with you, and no one else but God. All of my private thoughts and unspoken words.  That's a privilege held by soulmate. He is very special to me.  What's more better than having a good husband, loving children, peaceful life and having a job that you enjoy doing while making a difference in this world? Nothing. To me, my husband and my family will be most treas...
1 comment
Read more

Not-so-Narcissist-ME

Of Relationship and its epiphany .  I've been thinking on my stance about it and on how I perceived it from my teenage years. Since I started high school and socialize around after college, I get brutally honest confessions, messages or text from people from time to time. I didn't have to ask much to let them exchange their number or social media account. I got tons of contacts in my phone from social media account, mainly because I enjoyed chatting and being empathic towards others. I spent countless of hours talking and gagging if I'm lonely and needed company. I never have to ask or beg for attention. Thus, whenever I'm in a serious relationship, my partner is always insecure or possessive, he will know each and every friends or recognise "potential threat" that he has in order to gain my attention and question my loyalty. I find it obnoxiously nauseating and mentally stalling . I enjoyed freedom, trust and mutual respect from others especially from m...
Post a Comment
Read more

#3 Atrocity of humans

I wonder, Too often, Am I living my life for others or is this a process of learning how to stand still even if the ground shakes, breaks you, into thousands of pieces? Betrayal, being upset, anxiety and hurt is part of our brief Life. The feeling of wanting to channel every energy from my chaotic mind to a simple, organized and multilayer thoughts of words. Let me tell you a story. I wasn't fit enough to socialize around when I was a little kid. The little kid who grew up wearing thick round glasses since kindygarten and often bullied for her eccentricity and anti social. So,Whenever I make new friends, I asked them questions about computer or video games and internet. Some of them thinks I'm a freak, some of them thinks I'm cool  and some of them are really, really lost. aha.  I was exposed to technology and gadgets since I was little toddler. Watches the evolution of inventions. Learnt how to read, and write at a very young age. But I have trouble w...
Post a Comment
Read more