Dualism Fuel

" We need to catch up. Seriously. " " Last time we talked is two years ago " " I hope you're doing well now. Better than last time" " You didn't come to my wedding or response to my invitation.I knew something must've came up ." " How's life? Are you still dating that asshole that I told you to leave?He's only using you, on and off." " I hate hearing you crying or suffer. You're very smart, talented, pretty, nice and funny girl. So much to live for. " " Have you done anything stupid again, Moon? I know you're crazy and fucked up inside for many reasons " Those are some of conversation starters from my close friends that reeks my heart. Reconnections of deep thoughts and intentions from a few that knows me too well. Yes. In these few weeks, my old crushes, acquaintance, exes, good friends, and "almost a thing phase", they decided to reconnect me back into their Life, ...

{ I found myself into another episode of choosing a path at crossroad as based on the poem interpretation of " Road Not Taken " by Robert Frost. Dilemma. Exhaustion .} Such variables and temporary decisions to be made makes me irk and break into character. Long outdoor weekend and struggling with many internal issues such as deadlines and keeping my blood pressure stable. Time ticking as if the end is near gives me chills. I ought to live my life meaningfully even if it comes with a lot of personal sacrifices. I'm flighty. I assumed the worst in people who has constantly hurt me for a long time. If I wish to be happy, I have to keep distant from being drained spiritually. Clearly, I don't give a flying fuck what others had labelled me. Eccentric is fine. Crazy is best. I don't rely on people as much as during my younger years. Only to those very few that I had my Trust vested. My secrets; Very exclusive ones. Wild adventures , or the stupid one s. Or a l...

Of Relationship and its epiphany .  I've been thinking on my stance about it and on how I perceived it from my teenage years. Since I started high school and socialize around after college, I get brutally honest confessions, messages or text from people from time to time. I didn't have to ask much to let them exchange their number or social media account. I got tons of contacts in my phone from social media account, mainly because I enjoyed chatting and being empathic towards others. I spent countless of hours talking and gagging if I'm lonely and needed company. I never have to ask or beg for attention. Thus, whenever I'm in a serious relationship, my partner is always insecure or possessive, he will know each and every friends or recognise "potential threat" that he has in order to gain my attention and question my loyalty. I find it obnoxiously nauseating and mentally stalling . I enjoyed freedom, trust and mutual respect from others especially from m...

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts.   At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me. Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression. In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succe...

[Nujabes- Luv sick part 2 (instrumental) was playing in the background while I wrote this. I highly recommend people to listen to this track. It’s beautiful and soothing. Such a great majestic masterpiece by the late Japanese DJ/Hip Hop producer, Seba Jun. DO GIVE IT A LISTEN to this track while reading my blog post! TEE HEE ] How am I trying to progress in life despite struggling with health issues? By initiating multiple group & self-projects, work,volunteering, hobbies and doing many research on certain topics.During the last few months, I was busy writing my book about the state of human mind and spirituality called, “Tunnel”. Sadly, my health and time has been distorting this specific long term project and I find it hard to finish it on time. It’s a personal book and compilation of inspiration that I had obtained from people and books. There are days, I hunger for more new substances, knowledge and materials for the sake of the book itself. I showed the sample t...

[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?] Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time? The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other. It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or ...

Gemini. What do you can generalize upon reading the above statement? They're the twins in Zodiac Astrology.Happy and moody. Naive but Cunning,Good and bad.All at the same time. Everything seems to be in an opposite manner from one moment to another.The misconception is about what makes them looking rather "bad" than good,in general.Being misunderstood,misjudge etc etc. Been seeing all those things inside me,and I'm not being prudish enough to say that we're the star but also puppeteer in our life. The ability to change everything from the smallest part of our personality till affecting other people's life and decision has become a solid line on how a complex personality that we can be,but never be taken in seriously for some people,if not all. So,back to what this post is really about.Misconceptions. Here's a few: Very indecisive, unsure & sometimes has no exact aims and direct goals in live Flirtatious, no self will to commit in a re...