Skip to main content

Reconnection or leave as it is?

{ I found myself into another episode of choosing a path at crossroad as based on the poem interpretation of "Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. Dilemma. Exhaustion.}


Such variables and temporary decisions to be made makes me irk and break into character. Long outdoor weekend and struggling with many internal issues such as deadlines and keeping my blood pressure stable. Time ticking as if the end is near gives me chills. I ought to live my life meaningfully even if it comes with a lot of personal sacrifices. I'm flighty. I assumed the worst in people who has constantly hurt me for a long time. If I wish to be happy, I have to keep distant from being drained spiritually. Clearly, I don't give a flying fuck what others had labelled me. Eccentric is fine. Crazy is best. I don't rely on people as much as during my younger years. Only to those very few that I had my Trust vested. My secrets;Very exclusive ones. Wild adventures, or the stupid ones. Or a lifetime secret.

I dislike being in crowded public places without a clear sense of purpose because it's mentally exhausting to absorb energy in a large perimeter yet staying quiet as behaving appropriately. Besides having being spotted by others who happened to know me, there is no denial that I hate being around humans too much, in general. I find them annoying, suffocating and shallow-minded but not to those who has their mental, physical and personality grown up exquisitely or explored their own identity and intellect to the fullest. You don't find genuine interactions in common people who settles easily in Life. If you let people define your life and social background, it means you are somewhat implying that blending into the fucked up modern society and act to be likable is natural for us, till the day we disintegrate.

For something spiritually beautiful to be unleashed and understood to the fullest abyss, one must indulge and accept the idea of Pain. Pain makes your spiritual state much stronger and understand how does a soul develop from fragile, mutable and restless into their own highest consciousness; feeling peaceful being yourself. I've never seen a good soul who never suffered, and I've never seen a bad one was once a strong, optimistic and rigid personality became a contradiction in things that they do. All I know is things happened if human allow changes and embrace it or get affected by it.

{Seeing the good in bad, the bad in good is not a bad thing after all. It is a nature of "check and balance" after all }
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

#3 Atrocity of humans

I wonder, Too often, Am I living my life for others or is this a process of learning how to stand still even if the ground shakes, breaks you, into thousands of pieces? Betrayal, being upset, anxiety and hurt is part of our brief Life. The feeling of wanting to channel every energy from my chaotic mind to a simple, organized and multilayer thoughts of words. Let me tell you a story. I wasn't fit enough to socialize around when I was a little kid. The little kid who grew up wearing thick round glasses since kindygarten and often bullied for her eccentricity and anti social. So,Whenever I make new friends, I asked them questions about computer or video games and internet. Some of them thinks I'm a freak, some of them thinks I'm cool  and some of them are really, really lost. aha.  I was exposed to technology and gadgets since I was little toddler. Watches the evolution of inventions. Learnt how to read, and write at a very young age. But I have trouble w...
Post a Comment
Read more

2011

2011, Yep.Today is the first day of lecture. I really don't know what to say. I'm still homesick.I still miss home. I hate staying in UiTM. But guess what? My target for this sem is 4.0. I will reach it,even if I got a repeat subject. Maybe I'm not gonna be in debate tournament this sem, but I will hang out and debate when I have the opportunity I want to adjust some stuff and adapt with the subjects, I must survive this semester.My life depends on it, As on the 6th June,I want to have  my perfect life.. I mean,the freedom and all. Enough for the trouble and heartache that I caused in 2010, starting from scratch is hard,but believe me.. It's nothing to compare to what I've been through. Thanks 2010, You give me the chance to feel life the way it is, I enjoyed the moment that I had, things I never did as a teenager due to my parents policy, and glad that it didn't last, Coz I know somehow it affects my study  I'll wait for someone who i...
Post a Comment
Read more

Hello 4,579,200 seconds

It has been 53 days since I officially and legally became a "wife", and 7 weeks,3 days having a small being growing inside my womb. Guess what? It's not a surprise nor something that out-of-reach category My depression doesn't go away, neither my panic attack nor anxiety. There are days I can function as a human being, there are days I feel like giving up on myself and never want to feel alive anymore. Being inflicted with emotions and obligation as a wife and to-be-mom, I find it's hard to find a purpose of waking up and doing chores. Or it's just the changes around my body makes it very hard for me to adapt. Wanted to finish my IT Firm and Cybersecurity certs, wanting to write a novel about having CPTSD and supernatural beings or having a community that knows my name and not be remembered as a wife, daughter, sister and mother when I die. I just wanted leave this world with something great behind, instead of being stuck in a rut and a purgatory of waves of m...
Post a Comment
Read more