Skip to main content

Corrupted.

It's been a long,long time since I been on here.
Define me the term corrupt.
Anything can get corrupted.
Mind,soul,programs and almost everything that 
you could consider can get into the state of corrupt,getting corrupted.
The question is,
am I corrupted too?
Been thinking lately,
I think.yeah.I am partially corrupted.
I need to be corrupted,
not entirely but only a small parchment of my soul have been such a pain to handle and fixed up.We're talking about doing such things as principle of the double effect.Only to find that we're making the situation screwed up.fucked up.So,we're a bit choked up,by ourself.
In that state,we may also find our guitly pleasure.
I don't know.Hard to resist.Addicting.
In the state of corruption,it is possible for you to contradict yourself,doing things against your own will and principle,just to find yourself a lil bit more powerful and energetic.
But we know,the power and energy for sure come from the negative sources.
Whatever that may have driven us,it's a bit of demented,polluting ourself with a lot stuff that will make us regeret about it later.Call it stigma.I believe,I had been a corrupt human sometimes.I'm not as innocent as I look,but here I foreseek my way out.I want to change my oldself,into a new one.
Yes,I have changed since someone make me realize and left me broken hearted even untill now.
He maybe my past but he always reminds me all the good things that I deserve when I'm a better person.Does this mean I missed him?yes,indeed.As a friend.
We need to run away from the reality of life and get lost,corrupt ourself over and over again till finally we finally met our true self again.The path was never easy.
It's full of temptation to resist.
Making the same mistakes over and over again till you feel like ending it;
is a truth that is bitter to swallow.No words shall describe it.
A state of so-called-corrupted is a phase for me,to find what I want,and what do I need to do in my life.I see the light,but I can't seems to reach it.So,it is a necessity for me to say I'm a very depressed these 2-3 days.Taking time to remorse is very painful.
I regret a lot of things that I did in my life.I'm not even close enough to be said "a good girl" coz sometimes I'm not even that good.I'm bad.I'm both all at the same time.I see myself a thinker and a fucked up bitch when stuck in a circumstances that has been caused by myself simulatenously.
Stupid isn't it?I have a choice to choose,but then I didn't make it.Instead of making the right choice,at the right moment.I choose the opposite one.
I messed up.I screwed up.
I make trouble for myself.
But then,I did take my time to study and analyze what has happened,why and how.It's just me who fucked the whole thing up.I need to fixed up.
Like a program,I will have to modify myself,change the bad habit and things about myself.
I want to live my life and make full use out of it.
We live our live just once 
and we don't know when we'll shall be called upon the arm of Death.
That's certainty.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

#3 Atrocity of humans

I wonder, Too often, Am I living my life for others or is this a process of learning how to stand still even if the ground shakes, breaks you, into thousands of pieces? Betrayal, being upset, anxiety and hurt is part of our brief Life. The feeling of wanting to channel every energy from my chaotic mind to a simple, organized and multilayer thoughts of words. Let me tell you a story. I wasn't fit enough to socialize around when I was a little kid. The little kid who grew up wearing thick round glasses since kindygarten and often bullied for her eccentricity and anti social. So,Whenever I make new friends, I asked them questions about computer or video games and internet. Some of them thinks I'm a freak, some of them thinks I'm cool  and some of them are really, really lost. aha.  I was exposed to technology and gadgets since I was little toddler. Watches the evolution of inventions. Learnt how to read, and write at a very young age. But I have trouble w...
Post a Comment
Read more

Confessions

It's been like months since I last posted here. I confessed, I was looking on things in life in a restricted and conventional way. Now, I am in mid of a crossroad. Trying to figure out of which steps should I had taken or at least have a perfect guideline of what to do next. Right now, as matter of life and death:  TO CHOOSE or WAIT. Goals and Ambitions. Love and Lust. Glory or Defeat.  Mixing up in my head. I'm afraid to reflect what others had think or thought about me. If confession are what people lived for? Why people keep telling lies to themselves? Why white lies exist and why not embrace painful truth? Lies are still lies as it downgrades the power of justice. You serve others with lies while deep inside you're hurting. God, if lies are for the betterment? Why the consequences makes others tripped into  a journey of guilt and sins? It's a thing to ponder upon. My thought exist right now to clarify what I had gone through last semester in c...
Post a Comment
Read more

2011

2011, Yep.Today is the first day of lecture. I really don't know what to say. I'm still homesick.I still miss home. I hate staying in UiTM. But guess what? My target for this sem is 4.0. I will reach it,even if I got a repeat subject. Maybe I'm not gonna be in debate tournament this sem, but I will hang out and debate when I have the opportunity I want to adjust some stuff and adapt with the subjects, I must survive this semester.My life depends on it, As on the 6th June,I want to have  my perfect life.. I mean,the freedom and all. Enough for the trouble and heartache that I caused in 2010, starting from scratch is hard,but believe me.. It's nothing to compare to what I've been through. Thanks 2010, You give me the chance to feel life the way it is, I enjoyed the moment that I had, things I never did as a teenager due to my parents policy, and glad that it didn't last, Coz I know somehow it affects my study  I'll wait for someone who i...
Post a Comment
Read more