Dualism Fuel

Part of me still was in "Awe" by what I gone through. All I can say now is Alhamdulillah for HIS Mercy and HIS WISDOM, I survived everything "HARD" that happened to be the biggest blessings in my life. I also learn to forgive my biggest trial in Life by letting go completely of my past of being abused, fitnah, scorned and betrayed by my own Mother. I loved her. I did my best for dakwah and taught her not to abuse her words (LISAN) carelessly.  Meanwhile I have to address things that happened the gaps of timing my last post which I will immortalized here.  Enduring labour to my son Qalid Ayden wasn't that bad. The process of being induced to give birth is painful as hell that I wished I died. The pain is no joke although I have a high tolerance of PAIN. The pushing stage lasted only 5 minutes for me after almost 48 hours of enduring contraction by drugs. It wasn't as painful glorified by the medias and The internet because the contractions are much more inten...

It has been 53 days since I officially and legally became a "wife", and 7 weeks,3 days having a small being growing inside my womb. Guess what? It's not a surprise nor something that out-of-reach category My depression doesn't go away, neither my panic attack nor anxiety. There are days I can function as a human being, there are days I feel like giving up on myself and never want to feel alive anymore. Being inflicted with emotions and obligation as a wife and to-be-mom, I find it's hard to find a purpose of waking up and doing chores. Or it's just the changes around my body makes it very hard for me to adapt. Wanted to finish my IT Firm and Cybersecurity certs, wanting to write a novel about having CPTSD and supernatural beings or having a community that knows my name and not be remembered as a wife, daughter, sister and mother when I die. I just wanted leave this world with something great behind, instead of being stuck in a rut and a purgatory of waves of m...

My dearest abang Ikhwan Faiz. Being a thousand miles from you makes my heart screams violently for your affections, kisses and touch. Each day that has passed by made me realize that you are my pillar of strength and breathe back Life into me since the day we met until this very moment. I found the missing piece of myself in your soul. You held me when I was in my lowest & most vulnerable and calm me when my mind wanders off berserk and haywire. I can't thank God enough to have you in my Life when I found you. Each time we spend our time together, I feel that the universe has granted me a safe place that makes me feel like I can be whoever I want to be, achieve my dreams and ambition in Life here in Dunya and The Hereafter. Here in Langkawi, I thought the opportunity to be a leader in my work and career is just a mock up, but it turned out to be a start of a new pathway that I never dream of. God has given me so much blessings from the moment I found you, Abang. I dreamt of ce...

My dear sayang, Ikhwan Faiz . All these back pain, bodyache and cramps came visions of us having experiencing childbirth and labour of our children. We probably be a nervous first time parents who would worry everything or me being me, I'd just act cool while having fatigue and mood swings due to physical changes and hormones ever-changing from the first untill third trimester. The weird food combo cravings that won't be going away or wanting to certain things together with you, sayang. My round and huge tummy waddling around the house complaining why the kitchen cabinet is too high or I probably sneak around to eat junk food or pickled sour fruit at the middle of the night. You probably will wake up if you aren't sleeping soundly or noticing me making noise from the kitchen. Or high chances that I would be in half crying face asking you to help me open some food packaging or jar/bottle that I couldn't even open or just wanting you to spoon feed me because I could just ...

1st September 2021 It's exactly a month after I broke up officially with Danny. Yet having Ikhwan Faiz in my life has brought me into a newer and higher perspective in Life and even beyond. For every "I-love-you's" and "I-miss-you's" from my ex for the last 3 years and hearing it from my hubby-to be and teammate for life, he filled up my heart with genuine love and laughter everyday beyond comparable to Danny. Ikhwan Faiz is my paradise and the only man I am willing to sacrifice everything just to see him smile and make him happy untill the end of my time here. He made me feel so loved and special in so many ways. He made me smile so brightly and sincerely from my heart.He inspires me to be better and to do better. In a way, my ex has become a very distant memory and his post break up voice note that I saved becomes too painful to hear because I no longer feel attachment, love nor care as he used to become part of my routine, my day and night, part of my...

  To my sweetheart & hubby, Ikhwan Faiz. In my bright or dark days, I have so much things to say and shared with you, but I never wanted to burden you with my worries and my absurd self sabotaging brain. I'm scared of how the world will judge me based on my appearance and personality or the way I talk, or how I stuttered or being clumsy. I'm scared I'm not enough for you. I'm scared that I'm not attractive enough or bore you with random thoughts and stupid jokes. I'm scared if I ever made you upset or feel insecure because of my stupid mood swing or being sad. I'm scared everything that my brain and soul has suffered already my lifespan a little more shorter and shorten our time together. I'm scared of my known and unknown health issues will burden you and somehow affect the risk of complications if we try to conceive in the future. Nonetheless of these things, each time I felt my brain and negative thoughts starts manifesting I tried so hard to dist...

Hi again, My life partner and soulmate, Ikhwan Faiz, ❤️ This is the 4th letter from me to you, sayang. I know all of my letters are reflecting on my dreams and spirituality that I wanted to share with you. So that it will be relevant anytime you read this if you feel uninspired, sad or wanted to be reminded of my love to you. Maybe when our kids grow up, you can share my letters to them and talk about how you feel every time you read it. I know I'm very far-sighted and visionary, but I only wanted you to have the best optimism about everything in Life, together with me. I want to share everything I felt deeply inside with you, and no one else but God. All of my private thoughts and unspoken words.  That's a privilege held by soulmate. He is very special to me.  What's more better than having a good husband, loving children, peaceful life and having a job that you enjoy doing while making a difference in this world? Nothing. To me, my husband and my family will be most treas...

Hi dear love Ikhwan Faiz,  All the ups and downs of my Life and every pain I've endured just to write a letter to you is worthwhile. I wanted our love to be immortal and Everlasting in my works and poems, even though one day our body will disintegrate and dissolve in the ground. My words are inspired by the pure joy and peace that I found within myself and your presence. My spirituality and faith. Everytime I see someone talking about their other half and true love, I kept thinking about our journey and the day we will be united as One. Like the creation of Eve from the ribs of Adam, every female are destined to finds her own Adam and they will never ever belong to anyone else, no matter how crazy the obstacle they are put through. I believe in Jodoh/soulmate  because it's very simple yet mysterious for every being on Earth. It has been promised by all the Holy Books of every religion, philosophers, poets and spiritual leader that everyone is created in pairs. Funny how much h...

Hai cintaku ♥️, Ikhwan Faiz. { Saya tahu surat cinta fizikal dari awak lebih sentimental untuk disimpan tetapi surat digital sama sahaja boleh diabadikan dan bersemi di dalam blog introspective saya ini. Cinta ku padamu tetap abadi sehingga hujung nafas ku. (ayat novel ahahah) }  I have always wanted love my future husband in such ways that I can stroll down the memory lane if I started to miss you very much or gets emotional if you're not around or having mood swing from PMS or when I become pregnant with our eldest child in the future. I will never get tired of expressing my love for you or hearing how much you love me too. This love is real, sincere and most heartwarming I ever received because I too, see & feel the Heavens in you, my love. No matter how hard life and upsetting this world can be, I know I have finally found my equal other half and someone who loves me for the way I am, even in the most vulnerable side that I have shown to you and the whole world. You're...

  T o my love Ikhwan Faiz, It's funny and how mindblowing God has made us wait till we finally found each other in so many years trying to find a Soulmate/Love. From the day we haven't met each other yet I  constantly kept wondering whether you existed or not, parts of me was still so much missing and searching for higher and holy purposes in Life. One might say that experience made us wiser and mature, but my past has mended me to be the person I am, till the day I met you. You came and breathe back all the shattered pieces of me and transformed into a whole new person despite I'm going through a dark phase in my life right now.  Every giggle, smile and laughter shared with you has become my favourite moment in Life. You're the half of my broken soul that I longed for. You're the answer to my sad, lonely and gut wrenching nights. You're my serendipity. My safe haven.  It has been a long winding road filled with thorns and unexpected moments. There are times my ...

Truth and reality. Comes both hand in hand. Bitter? Yes.  When everything seems to be so bright, Never forget how darkness will prevail. Losing somebody who knows your passion And the depth of your soul, is also equivalent losing part of your own soul. But It depends on how meaningful the person is to you. I lost another light. He was a dear brother, good friend and mentor to me when I had nothing in Life. Death is an awakening and Life is a gift. I lose parts of myself again, but the longing just to be whole is screaming. I believe in the higher purpose, and in this Dunya, for better and worse. Our journey to find Home, is different yet somehow is the same. We strive to be better and make better choices, no matter how many times we may have failed, mocked upon or ridiculed by others. We learn the meaning of sincerity to ourselves and having a vision in Life is important. Our Creator, The Almighty and Omniscient has designed each and every of us a timeline of souls/relatio...

{ A hymn of Love} Your Presence covers up my day and night, dusk to dawn, happiness and sadness, tears and joy... How can I dichotomize between This World and Hereafter if YOU existed on both sides? YOU granted human soulmate , to remind us of Eternity , The Paradise and its Heaven, whereby we are no longer suffering. Only Joy and Peace. He is half of my universe that YOU created for me and everything else you've written.  How can I not be closer to YOU ? whenever I see him, I see YOU . I will see God in my soulmate. I feel Heaven is already beside me. He is Love . Part of my Destiny. Part of my Faith and Desire. My forever. Everlasting. Divine. Holy. YOU gave me my Life and Death. A soulmate who seemed to govern my soul and epitomised Light. A gift to cherish beyond Time.

November 2018. I am whole because you breath the air and vibe to love again. I think found my soulmate. The one I adore most in Life now. All these family drama and people desperately begging for attention, I admit I feel asphyxiated and suffocated, but I have strength and peace to be myself and ignore negativity. I have a bunch of strangers and friends who sees me as who I am inside and let me grow into the person I am. The truth is if you never lose yourself, you will never know how good it felt to came back to the right path, the right mindset and giving priority to the things you want the most in Life. I have been using the Internet my whole life and came to know that there are sad, lonely and depressed people begging and hurting others for the sake of attention and false pretense. I have many met many kinds of human, went out with random people, experimenting with their behaviour and do read people's behaviour really well. I have many stories and tales to be shared with oth...

The epitome of Us Our foretold tale of Love and Stories , You are my epitome of Joy , A supernova , A phenomena , I cannot fathom yet, The begone years taught me, Of Love, Despair and Trust Suffering, yet still alive Holding onto my beliefs intact, To breath you into my life, For once and forever, Of Heavens granting my prayers, To ease my finding along this journey, Full of crazy malady and ironic cycle Oh, dear  beloved muse , You are half of my world,  Half of everything in me Have you thought I'd crawl, I break into pieces, Hit into walls, Get all shattered everywhere, Just to be whole again, At brink of my existence, To complete Our Purpose , As a unit, as a synergy Two beating hearts as one, In the moment I saw Miracle When I saw our Destiny , Of years and endless love, Adventures and precious moments Untill the end of Time , Beyond forever. I belong to you. To us.

I have difficulty in choosing the right title for this post. It is somewhat a miracle to this dark place of mine. My own thought s So, October 2018 huh? I have been pondering if I am growing into something that radiates light and love around me? Am I good enough to love another again? But I already have answers to my own question. Somehow, somewhere In some part of this world There's someone crazy about my smile or being with me. I was deeply moved. Touched. In the most unexpected ways. My soul somehow feel welcomed. It felt like coming to a nice sanctuary. It's like one of the answers to my stupid petty questions. I always told myself: It's not about the Ending , It is always about the Journey and Destination . You will stumble across Millions of Choices, but it leads into one favourable outcome that you had always secretly wished upon, I believed in the Secrets of the Heart now. We don't know it, but we always feel it. We can't see it, but we r...

May 2018. What has become of me? Still nocturnal and feeling guilt for not being able to act like I genuinely like everyone around me. I acted like I should, respected their decision and let them have their say at me. I prefer this word as "endurance" I am tired of not being in sync of my own schedule, or being used. or just doing whatever it takes to stay alive. Yes, the 14th General Election made me realized that there's always hope. I did want a new government. An electoral miracle. Literally, it is. The hype has not gone down, even the older adults are still talking about it. Hate. I am not doing it. But my mother keeps nagging me to date younger guys, or go for the famous and rich. Based on my own experience, and tons of dating game, I prefer not to even look at these type of men that I should get intimate with, since I know my type. There is always a type, yet time constraints and social status made me feel like it will take years for me to reach the altar or ...

{ Do you have a set of morale compass? What if I tell you that human can rebuild and initiate what, why and who to believe when it comes the Universal force ?} During the Funeral process I just attended, I realized that more people are just there to observe the sins and reputation of others instead of paying respect. I grew up watching these humans using religion to judge others, money and influence among themselves untill the day they died. What exactly they did believed in? Was it by the book? By the mouth? My father told me, you will die by the way you lived. My theism on what I believe is solely on growth. You are here in this world to screw up and failed miserably, in the pursue finding passion and acceptance. Fuck with everything. Fix it and improvise your soul with time. There is nothing to do by "living the rules" and traditions that binds a family. Family is a place whereby you are happy being yourself, without needing to try hard or feel lost. I beg to differ to t...

" We need to catch up. Seriously. " " Last time we talked is two years ago " " I hope you're doing well now. Better than last time" " You didn't come to my wedding or response to my invitation.I knew something must've came up ." " How's life? Are you still dating that asshole that I told you to leave?He's only using you, on and off." " I hate hearing you crying or suffer. You're very smart, talented, pretty, nice and funny girl. So much to live for. " " Have you done anything stupid again, Moon? I know you're crazy and fucked up inside for many reasons " Those are some of conversation starters from my close friends that reeks my heart. Reconnections of deep thoughts and intentions from a few that knows me too well. Yes. In these few weeks, my old crushes, acquaintance, exes, good friends, and "almost a thing phase", they decided to reconnect me back into their Life, ...

{ I found myself into another episode of choosing a path at crossroad as based on the poem interpretation of " Road Not Taken " by Robert Frost. Dilemma. Exhaustion .} Such variables and temporary decisions to be made makes me irk and break into character. Long outdoor weekend and struggling with many internal issues such as deadlines and keeping my blood pressure stable. Time ticking as if the end is near gives me chills. I ought to live my life meaningfully even if it comes with a lot of personal sacrifices. I'm flighty. I assumed the worst in people who has constantly hurt me for a long time. If I wish to be happy, I have to keep distant from being drained spiritually. Clearly, I don't give a flying fuck what others had labelled me. Eccentric is fine. Crazy is best. I don't rely on people as much as during my younger years. Only to those very few that I had my Trust vested. My secrets; Very exclusive ones. Wild adventures , or the stupid one s. Or a l...

{ Goes down to a deep memory lane trip from 2010 onwards. Written as a memoir to myself and stumblers} When the whole world seems to bring you down,you will need comfort and warmth from the ones you trust.I may have a lot friends, admirers and acquaintance within this Lifetime but the good ones who sees through you are priceless. A keepsake till the day I disintegrate.  Fame and wealth does comes with a lot of label warning and precautions. I missed the old me who knows very little about how the world works, how evil human can be and the irony between every reality and beliefs that exist. My dearly departed dad always tells me if Life has no challenges or makes you feel worthless, then it is a pointless journey to become human because Life itself is a Test. He explained, to me in his own ways thoroughly what makes " human ", a human. In our deep conversation and countless of experiments together, I had an epiphany that if he's gone, I'll be anchoring Life in " ...