Part of me still was in "Awe" by what I gone through. All I can say now is Alhamdulillah for HIS Mercy and HIS WISDOM, I survived everything "HARD" that happened to be the biggest blessings in my life. I also learn to forgive my biggest trial in Life by letting go completely of my past of being abused, fitnah, scorned and betrayed by my own Mother. I loved her. I did my best for dakwah and taught her not to abuse her words (LISAN) carelessly.
Meanwhile I have to address things that happened the gaps of timing my last post which I will immortalized here.
Enduring labour to my son Qalid Ayden wasn't that bad. The process of being induced to give birth is painful as hell that I wished I died. The pain is no joke although I have a high tolerance of PAIN. The pushing stage lasted only 5 minutes for me after almost 48 hours of enduring contraction by drugs. It wasn't as painful glorified by the medias and The internet because the contractions are much more intense when the cervix reaches 10 cm dilation
Fast forward, the first two years from 2022-2024 after giving birth, I was in postpartum depression blues, but my husband has been my biggest support system and help me endured it. He quits his office work as HR Officer just to help me overcome this stage of life and also hates how the office itself abuses and lies to the worker. He believes that there are more barokah rizq and options to find "money". He worked as a florist at first and then we find jobs as content creator to do together. As in for now, he took in job grab car, shoppee food and still accept jobs as a florist too from time to time.
Somewhere along the road,I took in job as a live host broadcaster in TikTok for a month before getting scammed as they only paid my salary in half. So, I resorted to do paid review and affiliate content with wages around RM 50-RM 200 per video. And as time flows,my rate also increases around the time I head back into hunting free airdrops and cryptocurrency as mean to find wealth and settle our debts.
2025 is a year we did many things together that we thought we never could because of financial constraint. Although "money" and "rizq" isn't that an issue to us, we are still tested by not going back to Sarawak for Raya. And Ramadan still feels distance to me when I tried to pray sincerely but its "hijab" hinder me from feeling what I feel when I was around my late father. Guilt? Ashamed? Yes. But I have never gave up hope that Ramadhan "embraced" me fully again. Part of me still yearn that "Holyness" or "Nur" in Ramadhan. I am somehow just stuck in barrier "to do good" and be "fully obedient" to Allah AZZAWAJAL especially in my prayers and covering up fully in hijabs.
(To be continued part 2)
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