Dualism Fuel

It has been 53 days since I officially and legally became a "wife", and 7 weeks,3 days having a small being growing inside my womb. Guess what? It's not a surprise nor something that out-of-reach category My depression doesn't go away, neither my panic attack nor anxiety. There are days I can function as a human being, there are days I feel like giving up on myself and never want to feel alive anymore. Being inflicted with emotions and obligation as a wife and to-be-mom, I find it's hard to find a purpose of waking up and doing chores. Or it's just the changes around my body makes it very hard for me to adapt. Wanted to finish my IT Firm and Cybersecurity certs, wanting to write a novel about having CPTSD and supernatural beings or having a community that knows my name and not be remembered as a wife, daughter, sister and mother when I die. I just wanted leave this world with something great behind, instead of being stuck in a rut and a purgatory of waves of m...

My dearest abang Ikhwan Faiz. Being a thousand miles from you makes my heart screams violently for your affections, kisses and touch. Each day that has passed by made me realize that you are my pillar of strength and breathe back Life into me since the day we met until this very moment. I found the missing piece of myself in your soul. You held me when I was in my lowest & most vulnerable and calm me when my mind wanders off berserk and haywire. I can't thank God enough to have you in my Life when I found you. Each time we spend our time together, I feel that the universe has granted me a safe place that makes me feel like I can be whoever I want to be, achieve my dreams and ambition in Life here in Dunya and The Hereafter. Here in Langkawi, I thought the opportunity to be a leader in my work and career is just a mock up, but it turned out to be a start of a new pathway that I never dream of. God has given me so much blessings from the moment I found you, Abang. I dreamt of ce...

My dear sayang, Ikhwan Faiz . All these back pain, bodyache and cramps came visions of us having experiencing childbirth and labour of our children. We probably be a nervous first time parents who would worry everything or me being me, I'd just act cool while having fatigue and mood swings due to physical changes and hormones ever-changing from the first untill third trimester. The weird food combo cravings that won't be going away or wanting to certain things together with you, sayang. My round and huge tummy waddling around the house complaining why the kitchen cabinet is too high or I probably sneak around to eat junk food or pickled sour fruit at the middle of the night. You probably will wake up if you aren't sleeping soundly or noticing me making noise from the kitchen. Or high chances that I would be in half crying face asking you to help me open some food packaging or jar/bottle that I couldn't even open or just wanting you to spoon feed me because I could just ...

1st September 2021 It's exactly a month after I broke up officially with Danny. Yet having Ikhwan Faiz in my life has brought me into a newer and higher perspective in Life and even beyond. For every "I-love-you's" and "I-miss-you's" from my ex for the last 3 years and hearing it from my hubby-to be and teammate for life, he filled up my heart with genuine love and laughter everyday beyond comparable to Danny. Ikhwan Faiz is my paradise and the only man I am willing to sacrifice everything just to see him smile and make him happy untill the end of my time here. He made me feel so loved and special in so many ways. He made me smile so brightly and sincerely from my heart.He inspires me to be better and to do better. In a way, my ex has become a very distant memory and his post break up voice note that I saved becomes too painful to hear because I no longer feel attachment, love nor care as he used to become part of my routine, my day and night, part of my...

  To my sweetheart & hubby, Ikhwan Faiz. In my bright or dark days, I have so much things to say and shared with you, but I never wanted to burden you with my worries and my absurd self sabotaging brain. I'm scared of how the world will judge me based on my appearance and personality or the way I talk, or how I stuttered or being clumsy. I'm scared I'm not enough for you. I'm scared that I'm not attractive enough or bore you with random thoughts and stupid jokes. I'm scared if I ever made you upset or feel insecure because of my stupid mood swing or being sad. I'm scared everything that my brain and soul has suffered already my lifespan a little more shorter and shorten our time together. I'm scared of my known and unknown health issues will burden you and somehow affect the risk of complications if we try to conceive in the future. Nonetheless of these things, each time I felt my brain and negative thoughts starts manifesting I tried so hard to dist...

Hi again, My life partner and soulmate, Ikhwan Faiz, ❤️ This is the 4th letter from me to you, sayang. I know all of my letters are reflecting on my dreams and spirituality that I wanted to share with you. So that it will be relevant anytime you read this if you feel uninspired, sad or wanted to be reminded of my love to you. Maybe when our kids grow up, you can share my letters to them and talk about how you feel every time you read it. I know I'm very far-sighted and visionary, but I only wanted you to have the best optimism about everything in Life, together with me. I want to share everything I felt deeply inside with you, and no one else but God. All of my private thoughts and unspoken words.  That's a privilege held by soulmate. He is very special to me.  What's more better than having a good husband, loving children, peaceful life and having a job that you enjoy doing while making a difference in this world? Nothing. To me, my husband and my family will be most treas...