Dualism Fuel

[Nujabes- Luv sick part 2 (instrumental) was playing in the background while I wrote this. I highly recommend people to listen to this track. It’s beautiful and soothing. Such a great majestic masterpiece by the late Japanese DJ/Hip Hop producer, Seba Jun. DO GIVE IT A LISTEN to this track while reading my blog post! TEE HEE ] How am I trying to progress in life despite struggling with health issues? By initiating multiple group & self-projects, work,volunteering, hobbies and doing many research on certain topics.During the last few months, I was busy writing my book about the state of human mind and spirituality called, “Tunnel”. Sadly, my health and time has been distorting this specific long term project and I find it hard to finish it on time. It’s a personal book and compilation of inspiration that I had obtained from people and books. There are days, I hunger for more new substances, knowledge and materials for the sake of the book itself. I showed the sample t...

[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?] Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time? The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other. It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or ...

The human soul, is funny and delusional. One who expects too much, She/He will be dissappointed if their expectations lack from the outcome. I had spent my whole Lifetime, obeying a perfectionist tradition; And every single mistakes, wrong moves,wrong people, misplacing stuff never missed being counted and recalled. I regret my silence and changed into someone who is very passive-aggresive. Unpredictable and radical. I grew up enduring emotional and physical pain for many,many years.  I was in a very deep stage of depression since I came to know the meaning of failure and how it is like to move on from a death of a loved ones. I do still get episodes of suicidal tendency and being in a short term major depression. I hid it so well that nobody knows I'm hurting very much, everyday. Honestly, it is in my blood to follow rules and order to be succesfull like "the rest". Spent my whole lifetime proving to be the smartest and approval of others, to s...