Dualism Fuel

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts.   At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me. Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression. In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succe...

[ As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.]  Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it becaus e in the end of the day, no matter how rich , intelligent , well-respected or famous you are , the size of your grave will always the same as others . So be humble.   You can only take   3 t h i n g s into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being. It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button.  I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams. There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family. They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want ...

[Nujabes- Luv sick part 2 (instrumental) was playing in the background while I wrote this. I highly recommend people to listen to this track. It’s beautiful and soothing. Such a great majestic masterpiece by the late Japanese DJ/Hip Hop producer, Seba Jun. DO GIVE IT A LISTEN to this track while reading my blog post! TEE HEE ] How am I trying to progress in life despite struggling with health issues? By initiating multiple group & self-projects, work,volunteering, hobbies and doing many research on certain topics.During the last few months, I was busy writing my book about the state of human mind and spirituality called, “Tunnel”. Sadly, my health and time has been distorting this specific long term project and I find it hard to finish it on time. It’s a personal book and compilation of inspiration that I had obtained from people and books. There are days, I hunger for more new substances, knowledge and materials for the sake of the book itself. I showed the sample t...

Gemini. What do you can generalize upon reading the above statement? They're the twins in Zodiac Astrology.Happy and moody. Naive but Cunning,Good and bad.All at the same time. Everything seems to be in an opposite manner from one moment to another.The misconception is about what makes them looking rather "bad" than good,in general.Being misunderstood,misjudge etc etc. Been seeing all those things inside me,and I'm not being prudish enough to say that we're the star but also puppeteer in our life. The ability to change everything from the smallest part of our personality till affecting other people's life and decision has become a solid line on how a complex personality that we can be,but never be taken in seriously for some people,if not all. So,back to what this post is really about.Misconceptions. Here's a few: Very indecisive, unsure & sometimes has no exact aims and direct goals in live Flirtatious, no self will to commit in a re...