Dualism Fuel

Of Relationship and its epiphany .  I've been thinking on my stance about it and on how I perceived it from my teenage years. Since I started high school and socialize around after college, I get brutally honest confessions, messages or text from people from time to time. I didn't have to ask much to let them exchange their number or social media account. I got tons of contacts in my phone from social media account, mainly because I enjoyed chatting and being empathic towards others. I spent countless of hours talking and gagging if I'm lonely and needed company. I never have to ask or beg for attention. Thus, whenever I'm in a serious relationship, my partner is always insecure or possessive, he will know each and every friends or recognise "potential threat" that he has in order to gain my attention and question my loyalty. I find it obnoxiously nauseating and mentally stalling . I enjoyed freedom, trust and mutual respect from others especially from m...

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts.   At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking.  The problem of human to another human is haunting me. Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression. In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succe...

[ As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.]  Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it becaus e in the end of the day, no matter how rich , intelligent , well-respected or famous you are , the size of your grave will always the same as others . So be humble.   You can only take   3 t h i n g s into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being. It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button.  I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams. There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family. They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want ...

[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?] Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time? The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other. It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or ...

It sounds like I'm thinking Science and Technology can improve human thinking and behavior..more than God does. Well,I think Trans humanism is a good idea despite it has some disadvantage and will bring an existence to a new subculture,subhuman. Think about those mind uploading and A.I robots [Androids] if they really can exist in the future. I would love to be immortalize in the cyberworld or as a program, or immortalize someone that I love and care.. I want myself and them to exist forever,even after death.. We can study human behavior and pattern, how would they react and response.. and somehow,write a program to create their "virtual self" or compile it to an android, to make uncanny valley a supported theory. Just like talking to our own conscience, or "other" people conscience. I have that vision in my head, that mind uploading might be practiced in the future. It's not that impossible.Just imagine how it can be.=) I know,I'm a bit obsessed with so...