Skip to main content

Not-so-Narcissist-ME

Of Relationship and its epiphany. 

I've been thinking on my stance about it and on how I perceived it from my teenage years. Since I started high school and socialize around after college, I get brutally honest confessions, messages or text from people from time to time. I didn't have to ask much to let them exchange their number or social media account. I got tons of contacts in my phone from social media account, mainly because I enjoyed chatting and being empathic towards others. I spent countless of hours talking and gagging if I'm lonely and needed company. I never have to ask or beg for attention. Thus, whenever I'm in a serious relationship, my partner is always insecure or possessive, he will know each and every friends or recognise "potential threat" that he has in order to gain my attention and question my loyalty. I find it obnoxiously nauseating and mentally stalling. I enjoyed freedom, trust and mutual respect from others especially from my partner. I usually hang out with a group of guy and became one of their "bros" or they ended up falling for me. It gets worse to those who kept their feeling hidden from me until they let their emotions gets the best of them, I never knew that I would have hurt their feelings. Some decided to get married (after I disappeared or gone into ninja/incognito mode) or find disgusting ways to gain my attention,but one thing for sure is; they cannot move on if they still keep in contact with me yet they still do it. They keep coming back although the boundaries that I've set became a pillar of our friendship. I have no options left but to ignore reconnection and part myself from them. It is a common neutral ground and good mechanism drift away with such "Friendship".

The thoughts of settling down. 
I am really quite honest whenever I said that I have no faith in marriage or start a family yet. The idea of matrimony and being together with someone for a very long time horrifies me to Death. This may have been induced by hearing Life issues from older people and my own bad experience of putting up with someone difficult and has assaulted me mentally and physically, for years. It changed my perspective towards my own principles, and by the time I tried moving on, start anew with someone; I would analyze his behaviour and pattern whenever there is crisis, or if a cheating incident is involved and whether I felt burdened to be in a pointless and stagnant relationship. In easier words, I will leave the relationship behind if it is making me sad and empty; or changing me into something I hate. I look forward to the things that would encourage me to become the best version of myself, not the other way round.It is supposed to be a place whereby I feel solace and embrace spiritual growth as a human being. 

The world is not black and white, it consists of shades of black and grey. I came to understand that the universe has its own way to tell us things or move us towards something that inspire us.

Never lose hope!

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sappy

It's the combination of the word "happy" and "sad" It's always the thing in me..hahaha.Stop it. I'm sad that letting go of something and someone, and also the past, The past is something I can't forget, and no matter how bad or screwed up I am, it's always me,myself and I picking up the pieces that was scattered and rebuild myself up. It's like how I'm trying hard not to do anything that will ever contradicted myself but failed..but, I managed to find strength and solution while in deep shit. I'm wondering why sometimes that it is always like that. The way geminians sees the world is DIFFERENT. We are different coz we are complex and hard to predict. We have similarity in our behavior and the way we think. How are we struggling battling our own self and self-contradiction idiosyncrasy. and I believe,most of us have our own inner strength that we never even realized in possession, It always lies within us. Well,I'm feeling really ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Confessions

It's been like months since I last posted here. I confessed, I was looking on things in life in a restricted and conventional way. Now, I am in mid of a crossroad. Trying to figure out of which steps should I had taken or at least have a perfect guideline of what to do next. Right now, as matter of life and death:  TO CHOOSE or WAIT. Goals and Ambitions. Love and Lust. Glory or Defeat.  Mixing up in my head. I'm afraid to reflect what others had think or thought about me. If confession are what people lived for? Why people keep telling lies to themselves? Why white lies exist and why not embrace painful truth? Lies are still lies as it downgrades the power of justice. You serve others with lies while deep inside you're hurting. God, if lies are for the betterment? Why the consequences makes others tripped into  a journey of guilt and sins? It's a thing to ponder upon. My thought exist right now to clarify what I had gone through last semester in c...
Post a Comment
Read more

#2: 636

M r .R @ 636, " Why love if losing hurts too much?It’s just nice to know someone is always there for us"  — Yes.I never intended to fall in love with you.I never said a thing about being your girlfriend.I never want to hurt you.I’m tired of having relationship with guys,but I promise you,I can be your special someone,a best friend and lover at the same time.I’m ready to open up and let you in.But,will you walk your way in and do the same thing?I might be here for you now,but who knows,here right now..gone tomorrow?Maybe I’ll be dead or what.I don’t really care.I feel it’s useless not having someone special that I’ve been searching for.I’m always upset by the fact hearing so much rumors about you but I know you will somehow explain to me.I’m always here waiting.I go crazy for you laughter and voice.You deserve the world,but I can give you ME.I know..deep inside you,lies a very loving,exciting and unique character.I searched for that in every guy I’ve been flirting and playin...
Post a Comment
Read more