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Not-so-Narcissist-ME

Of Relationship and its epiphany. 

I've been thinking on my stance about it and on how I perceived it from my teenage years. Since I started high school and socialize around after college, I get brutally honest confessions, messages or text from people from time to time. I didn't have to ask much to let them exchange their number or social media account. I got tons of contacts in my phone from social media account, mainly because I enjoyed chatting and being empathic towards others. I spent countless of hours talking and gagging if I'm lonely and needed company. I never have to ask or beg for attention. Thus, whenever I'm in a serious relationship, my partner is always insecure or possessive, he will know each and every friends or recognise "potential threat" that he has in order to gain my attention and question my loyalty. I find it obnoxiously nauseating and mentally stalling. I enjoyed freedom, trust and mutual respect from others especially from my partner. I usually hang out with a group of guy and became one of their "bros" or they ended up falling for me. It gets worse to those who kept their feeling hidden from me until they let their emotions gets the best of them, I never knew that I would have hurt their feelings. Some decided to get married (after I disappeared or gone into ninja/incognito mode) or find disgusting ways to gain my attention,but one thing for sure is; they cannot move on if they still keep in contact with me yet they still do it. They keep coming back although the boundaries that I've set became a pillar of our friendship. I have no options left but to ignore reconnection and part myself from them. It is a common neutral ground and good mechanism drift away with such "Friendship".

The thoughts of settling down. 
I am really quite honest whenever I said that I have no faith in marriage or start a family yet. The idea of matrimony and being together with someone for a very long time horrifies me to Death. This may have been induced by hearing Life issues from older people and my own bad experience of putting up with someone difficult and has assaulted me mentally and physically, for years. It changed my perspective towards my own principles, and by the time I tried moving on, start anew with someone; I would analyze his behaviour and pattern whenever there is crisis, or if a cheating incident is involved and whether I felt burdened to be in a pointless and stagnant relationship. In easier words, I will leave the relationship behind if it is making me sad and empty; or changing me into something I hate. I look forward to the things that would encourage me to become the best version of myself, not the other way round.It is supposed to be a place whereby I feel solace and embrace spiritual growth as a human being. 

The world is not black and white, it consists of shades of black and grey. I came to understand that the universe has its own way to tell us things or move us towards something that inspire us.

Never lose hope!

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