A memoir: Dearly Departed

{Goes down to a deep memory lane trip from 2010 onwards. Written as a memoir to myself and stumblers}

When the whole world seems to bring you down,you will need comfort and warmth from the ones you trust.I may have a lot friends, admirers and acquaintance within this Lifetime but the good ones who sees through you are priceless. A keepsake till the day I disintegrate.  Fame and wealth does comes with a lot of label warning and precautions. I missed the old me who knows very little about how the world works, how evil human can be and the irony between every reality and beliefs that exist. My dearly departed dad always tells me if Life has no challenges or makes you feel worthless, then it is a pointless journey to become human because Life itself is a Test. He explained, to me in his own ways thoroughly what makes "human", a human. In our deep conversation and countless of experiments together, I had an epiphany that if he's gone, I'll be anchoring Life in "solo mode" because I will never find another human who talks in super encoded metaphor yet open to new ideas, things and perspectives but never judgmental to those who are wrong or shallow-minded. My 19 years with him was very worthwhile and memorable. Turns out my calculations and interpretation about Life is correct. I lose my favourite human when I am 19 years old and everything gone berserk since then.

As someone who used to study about Theology, religion and philosophy I knew how the Omnipotent being, Almighty Creator; God has predetermined things and rules for humanity yet I have to admit it was hard to let go of things and accepted His Plans. I don't know how describe this decree of sadness or melancholia because being used to pain and torture makes your brain wired in certain ways that are unusual or having people who you usually pour your angst and sorrows is gone. Death makes you wonder how much time do you have left on Earth yet it can also makes you care less about everything which makes me partial nihilistic about Humanity and its purpose. Here back in my hometown, I find myself relapsing into dark memories instead of progressing towards my goals. The memories and Flashbacks rewinds. The long term past relationships and endless reconciliation is exhausting me. I refused to go backwards and hurt myself again. I thought to myself if hell existed, then I'm already living in one or being stuck in a level of purgatory. It is good to act neutral, but there are boundaries for such province to begin with. Feelings and emotions are making human attuned to their soul and what they desire in Life. Some are misguided and some are still finding its way back to where it belongs. Different pace and time for each and everyone. But, my stance is simple. You got to separate yourself from being hurt and upset all the time. Build a thick wall. Progress as far as you can in Life. Let them wonder. Let them envy. Let them question themselves. Let them see. Let them be.

Most of the time, I wonder why I care too much about the past or the people existed in it. I have a stupid, sincere and blunt heart but a very rational and resilient mind. I wanted to see good things in others instead of focusing on the flaws of a personality. I need to accept boundaries that a human cannot be saved if he/she doesn't want to be saved both in attitude and personality wise. While I had put myself as a shield and shelter those in need, I should have built a safe haven for myself too. It took me quite long to come to this deduction because of the things I have gone through and the types of personality that I have interacted within my lifetime.

{Perhaps in this Life.
I was meant to be very strong and rational.}