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The assasination of fear



[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?]

Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time?



 The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other.
It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or work purposes  
It's not that I haven't tried to be as normal as possible and act coherently to society wills but I haven't seen the way out of this ailment and fears.It's been a full 5 month of exhausting cycle of terrible nightmares and losing the will to live as a happy human being. The stigmas and dogmas of people around me is depression are induced by the "Devil" himself and can easily go away.I think the statement was a bit of exaggeration and metaphorically invalid. It takes time and courage to heal oneself from depression and feeling abandoned all the time. In other cases like mine,if you're suffering mental and nervous disorder ever since your childhood, it would just evolve from a smaller wave into a bigger ones through childhood and adulthood. I'm completely aware of my circumstances and barricades which enables me reach out to as many people who can relate with similar dispositions and major setbacks especially my friends and people who came to me. The problem is sometimes I couldn't predict where and when my thoughts get too clogged up as I become too scared of living & telling people that I'm not doing well and I need support.

 My explanations are

 Here it is, the brutal truth: My fears are my sickness which are caused by battling long time depression and nervous breakdown disorder that seems to come and go in fierce cycles.Then later on, in 2013 I was diagnosed with hypertension,chronic gastric and kidney problems because of the lifestyle I've been living for almost 5 years. Likewise, I have mentioned in my older post, I have no appetite or feeling like wanting to eat at all for weeks and days (even though I'm hungry as hell). There are times I could stay healthy and try to eat well but it's also exhausting because I'm tired of being in pain. It's a long struggle and road to where I am now. I tried to reach out to as many of my good friends and people who has been in similar charade with me, but end up also feeling it doesn't really ease my pain much. They told me to take it easy and chill with life. Don't go too serious nor be strict about it. Keep on fighting and praying.Keep on smiling. Keep on making people comfortable around me.

 BUT..

 Nowadays,day-to-day basis seems to be a horrible timeline for me.

 I was being restricted when my feet and body aches.There are times I couldn't get out the bed or walk. Struggling to breath and passed out or have to rush to the nearest chair/bed/sofa. There are bruises and swelling all over my body sometimes. Sudden fever and allergy symptoms. All the vomiting and bleeding. Trying to calm myself down and telling myself that it's going to be alright. Praying that things will end up well. It is very self consuming and it takes a lot for me to go on each and every day, with these restriction. Whenever I saw people posting delicious meals and interesting places to go, I knew I wouldn't have the chance to be well or to live long enough to be able going to these places because there are 50-50 chance, I will lose my faith in this struggle or just give up everything. All I wish, if I were to die sooner or later, I want to thank those who has been a part of my life and tell them that I had loved them with all my heart and soul. 


Here's a normal conversation that usually happened:

<*Whenever my family and friends discuss about living.*>

 I will act like a complete asshole or pussy
I will reply, "okay" if they asked me or tell me anything
If they asked me, "Do you have plans?"
I will reply," Sort of. Maybe, depends"
If they asked me, "What's wrong?"
I will reply, "I have little faith for long term things"
If they asked me, "Are you sick? Unhappy? You seemed happy"
I will reply, "How am I suppose to react to your question?"

 That's how detrimental my conditions are. My taboos are about living. I rather not think about
anything based on long term commitment. You see, I see life as a commitment and people 
expected me to live well and normally. The problem is I want to live in the moment and try 
to stay cool and rational all the time. The highs and lows of emotions are distracting and 
side-tracking due to mental and physical setbacks. Despite I'm a highly functioning individual
who has the ability to change the world and making difference around me thru my works and arts,
I solemnly believe that one day, if I should go early and vanished. I want to make a difference.
"I beg this life to go easy on me.I beg the pain to be lesser.I beg to still have even the smallest hope to experience joy.I beg to be myself more.I beg to have a day saying to myself, "I had lived for this moment"


I hope I still be around.Sorry if this post has been disturbing to some. I love you all.



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