The terrible state of fear and annoyance.

I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments..

So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately.

It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects.  Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here! 
It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron! Basically, it's a hardcore love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop.

What a fucking terrible state of mind I have.

What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching?

Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to more serious physical illness and chronic hypertension.I'm also on and off medications because it started to fuck with my appetite and having really bad mood swings. At times, I cried for no apparent reason.I started to cry and feel shaken endlessly even knowing the standing fact that I still have a very bright future but I’m stuck with someone that would not allow me to be creative as possible, I started to think every way to end my pain including self harm, ways to suicide (like the voices that I heard every night) and includes indulging myself in short term relationship with assholes and doucebags and constantly feel bad about leaving them within the last three years.

(in depth of my story and relationship experience): 
The number of exes after I dated my abusive-and depressive relationship is none. I dated him by end of 2010 till on and off 2013.After that I went into another serious relationship till I broke off. After the break ups, I participated in a lot blind dates via social media apps (facebook,whisper, wechat, beetalk etc) and went out with many people from different backgrounds as my own social experiments. LOL.Almost all of them had the courage to take me into bed or check-ins with them, hoping to have intimate relationship where sex becomes their main priority to own me as a toy or as a trophy to score. The sooner I see where the relationship is heading, the sooner I will always try to brainwash them and leave them or let them leave me. I knew I played a dangerous game by letting these kind of people into my life but I had fun tho, some of them are rich, handsome, well-educated and acting like pious angel that would “take me to Jannah” but actually a rotting asshole inside.  It leads me to an expectation where dating is somewhat a milestone to see who acts as a controller and be controlled.Some of them wanted knowledge,status sex or money because they expected me to give in easily to them while playing the cards of “Hey, we might meant for each other because you understand me so well” urgh. What a total bullshit!

One way or another, break-ups is like a game to me after doing such terrible decision. It leaves me into a state of endless depression because I never had any long term relationship after my 3 years of being totally truly madly in love with a man who suffer from chronic depression and abusive behavior because he acts like a complete psychopath and violence. At times, I wondered if it’s my mistakes to leave him mercilessly because I couldn’t take it anymore even becoming his friend and hearing anything single remark from him disgust me. The pain, insults and hurt he gave to me is playing on my mind, every single day. Am I still in love with him? No.I don’t think so. I don’t even remember the last time I smiled when people called his name at my face or talks anything to do with my marriage with him if we were still together. I gave him too many chances and one day, I got fed up and call it a quit when he brings up the idea of our engagement day.He already bought a ring which I refuse to believe he bought as a debt or the ring does not exist at all. Just an act to make up things with me.  Am I evil? I don’t know. I knew that a 3 year old relationship and going through ups and downs with him will end up somehow. I made him as a friend, lover and a caretaker the moment I knew he could be saved before ruining others in those 3 years of our deep relationship. I knew it is going to end, far along the way because I can’t see him being a changed man. Until today, my friends and family still talks to me about reconciling and being his friend once again. Giving him a chance. It leaves me disappointed. I wished they could stop saying like he’s “The One”. Clearly, I can’t think about him anymore. I wish I can erase my history with him but most of journey begins with him. He taught me to question about God and Life more because of his depressed nature. He taught me to believe that I am pretty and valuable.

Living with a parent that has a constant paranoia and unable to move one after death of loved one is hard. I sometimes had to give in all of my time and act very “obedient” despite I hate acting good all the time. I tried to hide away my depression,sadness and anxiety when I was with her. Fake my smiles & laughter, engaging in adult talks and real life shitty issues about people that is mostly gossip and judgmental. I had to keep away my friends being judged and keep them having a bad perspective about my family. I played the middle man. Trapped between into two levels of perception. First, I have to maintain good relationship with my mom and try to do her shits. Things that she wanted me to do, until it’s far beyond reachable.I can’t comprehend her level of perfectionism and ignorant. She wanted to be pleased all the time. I have no devotions to have a life like what she wanted or planned for me. I do not want to be her successor and grow up to be an orthodox and shallow-thinking like her. I can’t see myself doing routines or being in an office from 9-5 or being a lecturer trying to handle students or a full time lawyer/politicians/writer/ambassador/diplomat like how she brags around with her friends. I rather not be what she wanted me to be because if I were to become any of her career choices, I think I would not be able to pursue my interest in arts, language, music and programming. I wanted a life full with adventures and meeting new people each day. Yes.The extreme nomadic life because I don’t want to be too attached to people.I'm an introvert with extroverted thinking & abilities. I rather chill with only one or two bestfriends or just a lover who is independent enough to converse with me if I'm nowhere near him. Also, I rather dedicate this life to my work and people who needed to be reach out, especially those who suffer from low self-esteem , depression and doing self-harm despite being a high-functioning individual. I decided to take this life as canvas to be painted with all the colors we should be able to experience. I think parents thinks way too much and wanted their children to be “safe” all the time. I think too much about what they think. So it is made me grow into someone very mental and depressive as my mind trapped me into believing that I am incapable doing anything for myself and lived my life as myself. I am constantly worried of what my family thinks of me for breaking the rules and being the blacksheep of the family because I always started my things late. I will always took my time and regain my momentum twice after failures. I will try my best dying for the things I want in this Life. 

I wrote many personal issues on my blog and did many vlogs lately for the sake of my own journey and documentation. To remind my future self that I had gone through a lot and inspire myself each time I’m down on my knees. I know this may sound cliché but why not have a very personal and deep perspective about yourself? Maybe some people are too afraid to tell themselves that they are amazing just the way they are. I am amazing as the way I am. I will. I will keep fighting, but if I failed. I hope my words will inspire my admirers, fans, friends and whoever happens to read this. Ciao. I love you guys."