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Hello 4,579,200 seconds

It has been 53 days since I officially and legally became a "wife", and 7 weeks,3 days having a small being growing inside my womb. Guess what? It's not a surprise nor something that out-of-reach category

My depression doesn't go away, neither my panic attack nor anxiety. There are days I can function as a human being, there are days I feel like giving up on myself and never want to feel alive anymore. Being inflicted with emotions and obligation as a wife and to-be-mom, I find it's hard to find a purpose of waking up and doing chores. Or it's just the changes around my body makes it very hard for me to adapt. Wanted to finish my IT Firm and Cybersecurity certs, wanting to write a novel about having CPTSD and supernatural beings or having a community that knows my name and not be remembered as a wife, daughter, sister and mother when I die. I just wanted leave this world with something great behind, instead of being stuck in a rut and a purgatory of waves of melancholy and suicide thoughts.

I find it hard to be myself everywhere I go. I find it's very easy for people to misunderstood me, even if I don't say a word. I find myself pleasing others all the time. I find myself avoiding conflict and discussion. I think it was so hard to find a place for me in this world and I'm struggling to adjust with mood swings and changes around my body.

It's hard. To hear voices. To be alone. No matter how I tried to shout, cry and scream my heart out, it's like plunging to the most dark abyss. Darkness. Despair. Desperate.

Am I ready to grow a small baby inside me? Is this what they called, "pregnancy blues?". The answers is I won't ever be ready at anytime of my life because I never went through such changes and extreme mood swings that causes hyperventilating. I don't like misery and pain, but I went through so much in my life that I thought I could handle pregnancy and taking care of myself, mentally and physically.

I just don't know. As much as I want this baby, is as much as I'm confused and scared to have this baby. As having a child, is a big responsibility and I am afraid of what others think of me if they know what I'm struggling with right now while trying to raise a kid  I couldn't predict the future, but I know for sure I would give up in extreme pressure and trying to please others around me.

My soul is in agony and I pray to God everyday to lessen this pain. To cure whatever is sick with my brain, to heal whatever is broke and to be grateful with each breath I took. 

So far 2022 has been both joyous and disappointing for me. I'm hoping to survive successfully.

  

 

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