Skip to main content

Hello 4,579,200 seconds

It has been 53 days since I officially and legally became a "wife", and 7 weeks,3 days having a small being growing inside my womb. Guess what? It's not a surprise nor something that out-of-reach category

My depression doesn't go away, neither my panic attack nor anxiety. There are days I can function as a human being, there are days I feel like giving up on myself and never want to feel alive anymore. Being inflicted with emotions and obligation as a wife and to-be-mom, I find it's hard to find a purpose of waking up and doing chores. Or it's just the changes around my body makes it very hard for me to adapt. Wanted to finish my IT Firm and Cybersecurity certs, wanting to write a novel about having CPTSD and supernatural beings or having a community that knows my name and not be remembered as a wife, daughter, sister and mother when I die. I just wanted leave this world with something great behind, instead of being stuck in a rut and a purgatory of waves of melancholy and suicide thoughts.

I find it hard to be myself everywhere I go. I find it's very easy for people to misunderstood me, even if I don't say a word. I find myself pleasing others all the time. I find myself avoiding conflict and discussion. I think it was so hard to find a place for me in this world and I'm struggling to adjust with mood swings and changes around my body.

It's hard. To hear voices. To be alone. No matter how I tried to shout, cry and scream my heart out, it's like plunging to the most dark abyss. Darkness. Despair. Desperate.

Am I ready to grow a small baby inside me? Is this what they called, "pregnancy blues?". The answers is I won't ever be ready at anytime of my life because I never went through such changes and extreme mood swings that causes hyperventilating. I don't like misery and pain, but I went through so much in my life that I thought I could handle pregnancy and taking care of myself, mentally and physically.

I just don't know. As much as I want this baby, is as much as I'm confused and scared to have this baby. As having a child, is a big responsibility and I am afraid of what others think of me if they know what I'm struggling with right now while trying to raise a kid  I couldn't predict the future, but I know for sure I would give up in extreme pressure and trying to please others around me.

My soul is in agony and I pray to God everyday to lessen this pain. To cure whatever is sick with my brain, to heal whatever is broke and to be grateful with each breath I took. 

So far 2022 has been both joyous and disappointing for me. I'm hoping to survive successfully.

  

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

#2.8 Forth letter

Hi again, My life partner and soulmate, Ikhwan Faiz, ❤️ This is the 4th letter from me to you, sayang. I know all of my letters are reflecting on my dreams and spirituality that I wanted to share with you. So that it will be relevant anytime you read this if you feel uninspired, sad or wanted to be reminded of my love to you. Maybe when our kids grow up, you can share my letters to them and talk about how you feel every time you read it. I know I'm very far-sighted and visionary, but I only wanted you to have the best optimism about everything in Life, together with me. I want to share everything I felt deeply inside with you, and no one else but God. All of my private thoughts and unspoken words.  That's a privilege held by soulmate. He is very special to me.  What's more better than having a good husband, loving children, peaceful life and having a job that you enjoy doing while making a difference in this world? Nothing. To me, my husband and my family will be most treas...
1 comment
Read more

Buried:The Melancholia episodes

" We need to catch up. Seriously. " " Last time we talked is two years ago " " I hope you're doing well now. Better than last time" " You didn't come to my wedding or response to my invitation.I knew something must've came up ." " How's life? Are you still dating that asshole that I told you to leave?He's only using you, on and off." " I hate hearing you crying or suffer. You're very smart, talented, pretty, nice and funny girl. So much to live for. " " Have you done anything stupid again, Moon? I know you're crazy and fucked up inside for many reasons " Those are some of conversation starters from my close friends that reeks my heart. Reconnections of deep thoughts and intentions from a few that knows me too well. Yes. In these few weeks, my old crushes, acquaintance, exes, good friends, and "almost a thing phase", they decided to reconnect me back into their Life, ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Worries worries, sayang

  To my sweetheart & hubby, Ikhwan Faiz. In my bright or dark days, I have so much things to say and shared with you, but I never wanted to burden you with my worries and my absurd self sabotaging brain. I'm scared of how the world will judge me based on my appearance and personality or the way I talk, or how I stuttered or being clumsy. I'm scared I'm not enough for you. I'm scared that I'm not attractive enough or bore you with random thoughts and stupid jokes. I'm scared if I ever made you upset or feel insecure because of my stupid mood swing or being sad. I'm scared everything that my brain and soul has suffered already my lifespan a little more shorter and shorten our time together. I'm scared of my known and unknown health issues will burden you and somehow affect the risk of complications if we try to conceive in the future. Nonetheless of these things, each time I felt my brain and negative thoughts starts manifesting I tried so hard to dist...
1 comment
Read more