Skip to main content

Hello 4,579,200 seconds

It has been 53 days since I officially and legally became a "wife", and 7 weeks,3 days having a small being growing inside my womb. Guess what? It's not a surprise nor something that out-of-reach category

My depression doesn't go away, neither my panic attack nor anxiety. There are days I can function as a human being, there are days I feel like giving up on myself and never want to feel alive anymore. Being inflicted with emotions and obligation as a wife and to-be-mom, I find it's hard to find a purpose of waking up and doing chores. Or it's just the changes around my body makes it very hard for me to adapt. Wanted to finish my IT Firm and Cybersecurity certs, wanting to write a novel about having CPTSD and supernatural beings or having a community that knows my name and not be remembered as a wife, daughter, sister and mother when I die. I just wanted leave this world with something great behind, instead of being stuck in a rut and a purgatory of waves of melancholy and suicide thoughts.

I find it hard to be myself everywhere I go. I find it's very easy for people to misunderstood me, even if I don't say a word. I find myself pleasing others all the time. I find myself avoiding conflict and discussion. I think it was so hard to find a place for me in this world and I'm struggling to adjust with mood swings and changes around my body.

It's hard. To hear voices. To be alone. No matter how I tried to shout, cry and scream my heart out, it's like plunging to the most dark abyss. Darkness. Despair. Desperate.

Am I ready to grow a small baby inside me? Is this what they called, "pregnancy blues?". The answers is I won't ever be ready at anytime of my life because I never went through such changes and extreme mood swings that causes hyperventilating. I don't like misery and pain, but I went through so much in my life that I thought I could handle pregnancy and taking care of myself, mentally and physically.

I just don't know. As much as I want this baby, is as much as I'm confused and scared to have this baby. As having a child, is a big responsibility and I am afraid of what others think of me if they know what I'm struggling with right now while trying to raise a kid  I couldn't predict the future, but I know for sure I would give up in extreme pressure and trying to please others around me.

My soul is in agony and I pray to God everyday to lessen this pain. To cure whatever is sick with my brain, to heal whatever is broke and to be grateful with each breath I took. 

So far 2022 has been both joyous and disappointing for me. I'm hoping to survive successfully.

  

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Confess

If we could just confess what goes to into your mind, you could not lie to your heart, but sometimes rather yet the truth hurts, and you know what lies ahead, You couldn't bear to see it, feel it,hear it,visualize it,picture it, So in my situation,I'm just to scared to picture the truth of something I'm sure,it is for real and I never regret it, It's the best thing ever happened to me, yet it hurts so much, Can you relate how duality affects me? I wanted to do it,yet I was refraning myself and it was me,myself playing the role.. whether to do it,or not to do anything about it, Have you been loving or hating yourself at the same time? Well,if you have.. You are in my position right now. Set it up in chur mind! I'm just a very confusing personality indeed, to those around me, I always said that over and over again! Chey.haha.I don't know how to describe how I behave,coz I have the ability to change mood and anything about myself the wind. And right now,my heart is...
1 comment
Read more

As the manisfesto has stated well.

Well,let's face this: No matter how sick I am,the idea of hacking or cracking or anything related to cybercrimes is something that I enjoy more than anything.My guilty pleasure. Exploring deep inside our underground world,it has been tainted by a documentary called "code 2600" as it's going to be release in 2011. Someone has change the real official trailer and make our image looks as bad as shit retarded dickhead. It was supposedly a very great trailer to explain our subculture, and types of hackers and the history that lies within in since the thing we called as "computer" is invented, and the term "hack" is derived since the 1950's. Somehow,I just discovered,the trailer has been changed. It's just a huge disappointment to see it has been replaced by another misleading trailer.Take a look: Is it really that bad?I'm a bad impact to society?huh?I terrorize the world huh? I can stalk whoever I want in every way that I wanted. So doe...
1 comment
Read more

Sappy

It's the combination of the word "happy" and "sad" It's always the thing in me..hahaha.Stop it. I'm sad that letting go of something and someone, and also the past, The past is something I can't forget, and no matter how bad or screwed up I am, it's always me,myself and I picking up the pieces that was scattered and rebuild myself up. It's like how I'm trying hard not to do anything that will ever contradicted myself but failed..but, I managed to find strength and solution while in deep shit. I'm wondering why sometimes that it is always like that. The way geminians sees the world is DIFFERENT. We are different coz we are complex and hard to predict. We have similarity in our behavior and the way we think. How are we struggling battling our own self and self-contradiction idiosyncrasy. and I believe,most of us have our own inner strength that we never even realized in possession, It always lies within us. Well,I'm feeling really ...
Post a Comment
Read more