Dualism Fuel

[ As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.]  Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it becaus e in the end of the day, no matter how rich , intelligent , well-respected or famous you are , the size of your grave will always the same as others . So be humble.   You can only take   3 t h i n g s into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being. It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button.  I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams. There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family. They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want ...

[Now I imagined what could it be if I put my whole life and endeavors into the creative and journalism industry? I could have been somebody well-known for my talents to change the world. Haha. Wow. Sound so illuminati-ish. I’m just trying to express here ] Sadly. My family aren’t too fond of entertainment industry as it was perceived, “ nonintellectual, dumb and major sidetrack path ”. They prefer me to embark on a path where mind power matters instead of the innate talents of an individual possess. I spent my whole time rejecting this beliefs and stigmas. I was a kid who has passion in music, arts, theater, drama and entertainment itself. While being a really active and fit person in my childhood, I had pursued many “ non-academic side-journey ” as my main interest. By the age of 9, I’ve already been active in joining competitions, clubs and performances in school. I remembered the first time I won a poem competition where I had my own father as my spectator and audience. Carri...

[Nujabes- Luv sick part 2 (instrumental) was playing in the background while I wrote this. I highly recommend people to listen to this track. It’s beautiful and soothing. Such a great majestic masterpiece by the late Japanese DJ/Hip Hop producer, Seba Jun. DO GIVE IT A LISTEN to this track while reading my blog post! TEE HEE ] How am I trying to progress in life despite struggling with health issues? By initiating multiple group & self-projects, work,volunteering, hobbies and doing many research on certain topics.During the last few months, I was busy writing my book about the state of human mind and spirituality called, “Tunnel”. Sadly, my health and time has been distorting this specific long term project and I find it hard to finish it on time. It’s a personal book and compilation of inspiration that I had obtained from people and books. There are days, I hunger for more new substances, knowledge and materials for the sake of the book itself. I showed the sample t...

[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?] Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time? The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other. It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or ...

[ I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ] What did actually happened  from May- September 2016? I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on  major "heavy" topic  materials, science articles, tech n...

I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments.. So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately. It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects.  Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here!  It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron!  Basically, it's a hardcore  love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop. What a fucking terrible state of mind I have. What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching? Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to mor...

The Holiest Month of All. It is a month where you see and look into your deepest strength and weeknesses. Spiritual growth is the most important thing in order to be a well-functioning human. To God,Omnipotent. We need to walk and run to His Mercy. We need to cleanse ourselves from all the negative vibe. All of this in this month of Ramadhan Kareem. I find myself seeking His Forgiveness and being hopeless because of my imperfections and mistakes that I did with or without intentions. My mindset: We need to correct and fix the negative in us. Success never comes easy.

As we kissed all night long He wondered in mind; " Will this last forever ?" We let in a few more slow kisses, the tenderness of smooching lips until he resonates his fear I touched his chest and said, " Love, through Heaven and Hell, within a thousand Lifetime that we may or may not have, I will still choose you to latch upon, My whole universe, I came To shine within you Presence My soul breathes on you. We belong in realm of madness. And my madness is US. Forever. My Paradiss. You! "                  -wordlesspeech-

Life is not about yourself and others. It is about how you understand meaning behind the smallest,little and detail things around us.We,human tend to see the biggest and clearest view of all the things that we did (from actions, words and knowlegde) and must have a clear or definite goal. We see problems, hardships and mistakes as a punishment or a way to remind us of what is good and bad. I see Life as a journey to find what is being Human is all about and being rigidly strong as who you are inside, despite nobody understands you. Life is a dedication to make changes in your own ways, pace and capacity. You can shine in whatever you choose to be. See, people. You don't need people to approve and support your thoughts because we need to be self sufficient and kind to ourselves. We need pain to grow. We need to know how to endure the most absurb circumstances and tragic loss for personal enhancement. I think most people complain their life too much. Talks about money, status and hav...

" Your fingers,dear .." I remarked. " What about them, sweetheart ?" He asked. I instinctively reached for his hands and interlaced our fingers together. " They're belong to mine ! " I said after I kissed his lips tenderly. We blushed and hold on even tighter.                  - wordlessspeech -

I'm a girl. I appeared out of nowhere. Fallen in love again, with you. Saw you through years. That night I sat next to you Wondering, "Are you The One?" My mind went whispering "Surprise! He is. Take your time" He looks at me  A smile. I bloomed. I knew, he'll be my Paradise. I love you. -Wordlesspeech- follow me @moonxyle92

The human soul, is funny and delusional. One who expects too much, She/He will be dissappointed if their expectations lack from the outcome. I had spent my whole Lifetime, obeying a perfectionist tradition; And every single mistakes, wrong moves,wrong people, misplacing stuff never missed being counted and recalled. I regret my silence and changed into someone who is very passive-aggresive. Unpredictable and radical. I grew up enduring emotional and physical pain for many,many years.  I was in a very deep stage of depression since I came to know the meaning of failure and how it is like to move on from a death of a loved ones. I do still get episodes of suicidal tendency and being in a short term major depression. I hid it so well that nobody knows I'm hurting very much, everyday. Honestly, it is in my blood to follow rules and order to be succesfull like "the rest". Spent my whole lifetime proving to be the smartest and approval of others, to s...

You see people, you never know what it's like being trapped in mild depression although the stage is no longer suicidal/harmful but you wished to suicide with 100 percent of success rate of Death as an outcome and finally can lie down in a coffin. Resting eternally after all the bullshit you had in your lifetime. I am struggling to live each day and each second, fighting my ways to smile and be happy, to provide others with warmness. That is why I wrote things mostly about depression and human soul. I really want to educate people on the strength of human soul to influence and empower others by having good vibes and spread positive things. I want to grow humanity larger.

"Parang,the game" The fusion of Borneo culture into a card game.A game company, Beast of Borneo based in Kuching created this masterpiece game. Thus, " Parang" the card game has succesfully gotten the crowd into a new dimension of playing and social interacting with people in this smartphone era while still preserving a sense of identity of the Iban culture.The pioneer of its kind. Borneo headhunting card game. A very cool concept. The players has their own unique ways to win the game and collect "Antu Pala" (head trophies) to become the winner. As a matter of fact, the whole idea and design of the game itself stands out and made its objectives as a "get-along-game". and naturally enjoyable for individuals from all walks of Life. Regardless old you are, race and identity is not a problem. The game is very simple to understand and most people learn to become the winner as they played it along. Stay tuned for more info of "Parang", t...

2016! WARNING ! This is a major appreciation post! After the first few months of 2016, I finally managed to escape mental torture by secluding myself alone. Away from toxic negative vibes and suffocatng relationship. I'm proud to say that I'm still sane and feeling alive. Although I gotten myself into many chronic illness and hospitalized a few times, I managed to pull myself up. Again and again, even it's damn tiring. Back to the real deal. These are the list of awesome people whom I dedicated this post for: My two super best friend Choomie and Aiman .(They both saved me from self-destruction by helping me doing a sweet surprise to my mom, which I initiated and keen doing of since my dad's passing) Mr AA (or as he wanted as a sense of mysterious suave charming gentlemen , so let's be sweet and call him Mr. Arsyan . *cough* a soldier in his own ways and a loveable person ) My fellow team members of Puakateam, cosplayers and old buddies since uit...