Wishful thinking part 1

[Now I imagined what could it be if I put my whole life and endeavors into the creative and journalism industry? I could have been somebody well-known for my talents to change the world. Haha. Wow. Sound so illuminati-ish. I’m just trying to express here ]

Sadly.

My family aren’t too fond of entertainment industry as it was perceived, “nonintellectual, dumb and major sidetrack path”. They prefer me to embark on a path where mind power matters instead of the innate talents of an individual possess. I spent my whole time rejecting this beliefs and stigmas. I was a kid who has passion in music, arts, theater, drama and entertainment itself. While being a really active and fit person in my childhood, I had pursued many “non-academic side-journey” as my main interest. By the age of 9, I’ve already been active in joining competitions, clubs and performances in school. I remembered the first time I won a poem competition where I had my own father as my spectator and audience. Carried back home a trophy and a big smile because I was proud of my own work and recognized for it. I spend my early days writing, volunteering, joining workshops and connecting with people for ideas and how-to’s. I think that I was among the cool yet nerdy kid who has the privilege to have a space and platform to express myself. I had no problem in studying but I had to admit, I hate studying certain subjects and have to maintain my scores. My parents wanted me to concentrate more on academic stuff and have a clear sense of direction in Life. I told them, I wanted to be a musician, writer, scientist or programmer someday. Back in the my golden days, I was very enthusiastic when people ask me what are my passions/ambitions/interest in Life. I would talk to them all day and night about it. That was how deeply inspired person I was once upon a time ago. pfft.

Where did all the time go? huh.

Since I loss a parchment of myself due to depression, low self-esteem and nervous disorder all these years, I did find myself emotional and mentally unavailable all my interest into a period of time where it's almost cease to exist.I constantly need to be remind and to find strength and will to go with life as my old cheerful and optimist personality.I struggle to have my optimism and positive vibe again within me during the last these few years after my dad's sudden passing.  
As poetic I may sound like, I have been meaning to say that;
” Sometimes things life such as faith and inspiration has to be renewed and filled with new experience and exposure from time to time. It’s like a bottle that needs to be filled with water when it’s all used up as roots needs water and nutrients for growth. ”
In my opinion,If you really compared yourself to a strong and well respected person in the society, they are just the same like you but they’ve been struggling in their own personal route too. I have to tell myself that it is okay to waste TIME trying to chase the dreams I had, even if it’s for a short term or in a limited time frame. It’s not how the progress that people should acknowledged, it’s the process along the way that counts. I actually cared about the process of starting into a journey and calculated the rate of success. I know, I am a natural overthinker and I analyzed the level challenges, setbacks of a particular route or decision before diving into it.In depth of my own spirituality, I wish God to ease the challenges in this Dunya and help me pass each obstacle, pinnacle and test before my time on Earth is UP . I wish to be reunited once again with all my beloved, especially my father in the akhirah.The man who teaches a lot about life and gave me so much comfort for the last 19 years of my life. He was one of the biggest inspiration that I had in this entire lifetime which I don't know how long or short. I believe in myself that I was born to make changes and inspire others in my own ways too. I longed for peace and solitude, and mostly, peace and solitude happens to be achievable during Death.   

Although I’m not a fan of long term plans but here’s a few wishful plans for my life.                            Some choices that I’ve been thinking in order:

1) Marriage

Too bored of the hook-up, arguing, break-ups, and dating again repetition process honestly.
I’m considering marriage proposal if there’s a guy who came to me with a sincere intention/effort or proper channel to get to know me me well. If I were to get married by this age (now I’m 24 which is very unlikely.duh.), I wanted someone who is far much more independent and dynamic as myself because I could not stick to the mindset & traditions of “Malays” (although I'm not fully Malay) that women should stay at home and not be working or studying anymore after getting married. I would also want a simple reception and a cheap dowry for my wedding. I don't want to make the process of getting married to me be such a troublesome,frustrating and challenging process for my husband's side. It's enough for me to have have a simple akad nikah at the mosque with family,relatives and friends.No need to be extravagant and lavish wedding. Malays are weird, they condemn the thinking of modern and evolution women for being too liberal and going against orthodox beliefs and mentality. As far as I had been thinking about my future spouse, he has to be mentally strong enough for us to build the future and empire together for our future children. My future spouse is someone who will give me full support, understanding and comfort in times of my distress and irrationality. I will pledge my full obedience as a devoted wife to cater all his needs and wants which is including; doing cooking. laundry, household or anything that he wanted to be served of. Responsibilities as a wife will always be my top priority and treat him with full respect,care and love. This may sound corny and cheesy AF, but I’d say yes to anyone who proposed and said,”I’m ready to make you as my wife and lead you to be a better person. We will strive for Jannah together and set good examples for our future sons and daughters if we are blessed to have any within our lifetime” 

Okay Moon.It’s time to stop! That’s enough for showing a romantic and sweet side of me. (Yes,for a zillion times thinking about marriage. It’s affirmative to tell that I’m ready to settle down as soon as I have my own stability in career & study field and have a good man who is willing to take care of me till my last breath or the opposite way, I don’t expect marriage to just pop up from thin air or a corny pickup line from a delusional sexually frustrated man that just want sex or wanted to know my bust size despite claiming to be "alim"or "menundukkan pandangan". Believe me.I met so many hupocrites who used religion to court me into a long term and serious relationship) 
 I'm a 38 C  cup btw, 

Ain't that size is lit enough to rock a guy in bed? aha, I'm very sure of that, but sadly guys I'm not desperate to get laid

2) Of Career choices & education pursue

I’ve set to get married by the age of 25 or 26, and career is one of the second most important aspect of my life goals. I am willing to re allocate myself and move somewhere far from Kuching or KL, if it involves in choosing my ideal job and career. I considered working in an IT firm or being a writer full time (but other jobs is also considerable) while finishing my degree/masters/PHD as I do not want to burden my future husband. I’ll make sure to make him and our children to be proud of my achievement. This is my promise to them, if I'm allowed to live long and normally as other human being on this Earth. (Don't worry,  future hubby. I'll make sure our kids to feel proud of their mom.)