Dualism Fuel

636. Yes. You again.I hate you but I love you. My head really loves you.My heart really hate you and love you at the same time.. But love it..it still doesn't change a thing. Love is a crazy thing for me.It made me smile.It made me cry. It made me feel tormented.I just enjoy it to the extreme. Hey..I'm just touched you say I'm a good girl. Hey..I don't know how to make up with a guy,especially it's you. I don't know what to do,step by step.Teach me eh?Not that  I don't want to..I just really don't know how to.but I love the idea. Hey..I talk dirty things,but never tempted practice it. I'm not turn on yet to do 'turn-on-stuff'. Making out is dirty eh? Hey..I want to learn,teach and share a lot of things with you. Hey..I think we can be good friends,if you can't except the fact I love you. B'coz you are worth knowing. That's okay.I always have been hurt like this,everytime I fight for the real thing, some of it worth it.some of it n...

M r .R @ 636, " Why love if losing hurts too much?It’s just nice to know someone is always there for us"  — Yes.I never intended to fall in love with you.I never said a thing about being your girlfriend.I never want to hurt you.I’m tired of having relationship with guys,but I promise you,I can be your special someone,a best friend and lover at the same time.I’m ready to open up and let you in.But,will you walk your way in and do the same thing?I might be here for you now,but who knows,here right now..gone tomorrow?Maybe I’ll be dead or what.I don’t really care.I feel it’s useless not having someone special that I’ve been searching for.I’m always upset by the fact hearing so much rumors about you but I know you will somehow explain to me.I’m always here waiting.I go crazy for you laughter and voice.You deserve the world,but I can give you ME.I know..deep inside you,lies a very loving,exciting and unique character.I searched for that in every guy I’ve been flirting and playin...

Yes.636.You.You.You. I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I MISS YOU! "I MISSSSSSSSS YOUUUUUUUUUU!" -sigh- I wish I could say that to you without crying on the phone.=(

The time has come. My real thoughts,feelings and perspectives about you. I know that I'm hard to read and sometimes the walls surrounding me is so thick, high and very hard to get inside. No.I just hide it.I don't like getting hurt. I'm fragile.I'm prone to be hurt myself more than hurting other people around me. I don't like being seen as vulnerable. I'm that ego and bad. Yes,the past is so painful.I got many history. Many past,many issues.Many tragic,sad and frustrating experience. I seek for unplanned adventure,bypassing rules and limits and strive for non-routine stuffs. I love living in the world of flexibility and freedom. Maybe I can share it all someday with you or at least someone complicated like you.. I'm don't allow people to read me, I expect them to read me if I want to and if only they really want to. Be it my parents,siblings,close friends and anyone. If not,just go to hell.I have that IDGAF atittude. [I don't Give A Fuck] The first...

BOOMBOX . Sounds like I'm mad eh?Nope. It's a song from The Lonely Island ft. Julian Casablancas. I have fallen in love with this song lyrics. Music UNITES us all.Music knows no boundary.Music has its meaning and value to us.It represent us all in every aspect and angle of life. Music = P.I.E P owerful. I nfluencing. E nchanting. I listen to songs not only when I'm happy or in love but when I'm sad,mad,depress,heart broken, and disturbed. I still have the feeling to just want to be a musician someday. Be it a singer,composer or songwriter. and at least join and play in a band in my lifetime. I just want to get myself involve in music.I love singing. not in the shower.but in my room,in front of the mirror. I wish I could sing in front millions and entertain others, but I'm just afraid that if suddenly I can't hold enough breath and spoil the song. It has been my passion.My dream. It has driven me to learn playing the piano,flute,harmonica, gambelan,drum so far ...

D ear Diary, [ haha..such typical way to blog in a melancholic state ] I have a description of my own inner demon,my doppelganger Some of these days,I want to go back my wild self again and hit the clubs[ If only I can ] or do some mindless crazy shit. I have the urge to hear loud music and just move my body around. Pretend to get drunk.Inhale back those sick poisonous stuffs that I use to do. misusing legit drug and get addicted like hell.haha. oh,I love getting that " where-am-I,why-I-feel-so-light-and as if floating,why-the-lights-are-so-beautiful- and-that-makes-me-like-flying-laughing-so happy " sensation. and feeling very blurr the next day. Getting my head hurt and my mind blank. Falling asleep at the wrong time and inappropriate place. Sneaking and spending around with illegal stuff. Bypassing curfew hours and authority. Play around with some hot smart cute boy all at the same time and just leave them wanting me more.I need some really ' wild time ' right no...

I think: I live in my own crazy lunatic random world of unplanned adventure and actions. I don't like to be too girlish.I don't like being too boyish either. I like keeping my mouth shut when my head is too confused or worried but it hurts to do that. I hate to burden people with my trouble,untill trouble kills me slowly. I love Star Wars but aslo still I think Star Trek is cool. I love Dante's attitude but I lust for Vergil cold and when he slashes using his fucking awesome yamato says,"die!" I cried for my dad's voice saying,"pa polah?" when I miss him and yearn for my mom's praise for years if I'm away from them for too long. I love Katanas,Revolver,swords but I hate dagger and arrow and bow. I picture the perfect date is to laugh,tease,sing,and talk all the time with that special someone. I feel like wanting to duet a song with anyone who's serious in singing. Friendhip and dating are related somehow. I want to be a very L337 in m...

Listening to that song again, yea,I feel like an eenie meanie. I always feel bad,no matter what. Sometimes,I think that: -I have a very inaccurate 6th Sense -I have the feeling of dejavu and when it happen it's too late to realize it. -I should have stop trusting my own feeling and trust my thoughts -I should be more emotional attached in expressing myself -I must be more polite in my words..?wtf? -I should have a katana at my home so that I can make people scared of me? -I should be dead earlier,when I think I'm useless My head is full of nonsense and illogical stuffs.I'm so like emotionless right now. I feel nothing.I wish life would just go ahead and left me behind. Depressed?no.I'm just saying things that I'm trying to say but I can't say in front of people. I feel guilty to everyone,I feel guilty for the things that I've done, I feel sorry for myself. Risk.Hope.Love.Smile.LAUGHTER. I'm sorry,sorry.. I'll be fine.I just need time to thing and eva...

Sounds like I'm going to commit suicide eh? No.Not yet.I won't kill myself yet. I feel so stress nowadays.Cry myself to sleep. Don't worry,sanity is still in me but I feel derailed minded nowadays. I don't think my home is a "home sweet home",sometimes is like a prison. Packing my stuff,to begone from the hostel by this Friday night. I miss someone very dearly now.His jokes.His laughter.His smile.His Voice. His random thoughts.His hug.Everything about him. The 1st and only guy who sings for me at skype at the middle of the night. Some other day,I'll sing a song for you too..=) I have this feeling of..idk,it's a deep and sad as if I can't meet him again maybe untill next year.It's just my thought,instinct or what...? I miss you.I miss you.Miss you.Miss you.Miss you. Some other things are also messing up my head right now. They make me sad,worried and so wanting-to-give-up-in-my-life feeling. I can't list them all here.It will me make look so...

I don't believe in magic, but I believe in miracle. So much drama in the few weeks and how time flies, hostel life is coming to an end in 3 days.*sobs sobs* Sometimes I don't know what to believe in, and yet where do I stand at life, seeing your own past,mistakes and everything overthrowing back at you.. just like something that is going back against what I did and say in the past. I'm mistake.I'm trouble.As to people, and myself as well. I don't know why it seems that, Life is hard sometimes,and sometimes I feel my head is lighter,when I feel so damn careless about everything. There's even a time where I do not fuck care about anything or anyone. except myself and I have this burden of carrying my own problems till everything crumbles over me. The problem is I don't really trust people around me. They think I'm too weak,they tend to monopolize you in the things that they see in you as exploitable vulnerable loopholes. I have a really serious paranoid th...

How hard is it to accept? Acceptance for all the things that we wish doesn't happen? and how far would you go to make you feel better? Some things are better left unsaid but yet,I do want to speak it out. Why does it hurts so badly when we see someone we used to love and we just wish to talk back to them,but we can't.. The hatred between both of the party involve or could it be something else? I'm still wondering until today. I treasure friendship and I would love to be friends with him again. Yes,I'm really looking cold and so emotionally-detached, I don't deny that,and it's a true thing.Full stop.yeah. A typical way to display such a duality that is embedded within me. To tell the truth,vulnerabilities are better yet hidden or people will get to exploit you,used you and throw you away like the rubbish. And trust,it's a very none tangible thing that only time and sincerity can prove that. As it is,I wonder.. Yes,this is my one of weaknesses,maybe one of my ...