"Hijrah" in Islam and language means starting anew and reinventing yourself.
It is an epiphany that comes with
a very difficult triangulation of
hardships with sacrifices in Life,
Yet, indeed is a beautiful process.
Your Pain and prayers is answered accordingly to His Wisdom.
Back when I received the devastating news that my youngest sister was attempting suicide for the first time, my heart was shattered into millions of pieces and I feared that it will be all too late one day, if I don't handle this the right way.
I couldn't bare myself to lose anyone especially my own siblings. That grew with the same abuse and trauma with me. That was pressured into being excellent students and robot-like politeness.
As much as I hated or vowed myself not
coming back to Kuching
My very own hometown due to the trauma and abuse, suffocating environment, the dreading air that I use to breath and took in to survive,yet I took a simple decision trusting my Lord and fully depended on HIM,
every heavy steps that I took for the 4 days in life that moment back in Kuching,
HE (Allah SWT) guided me to put on a hijab fully and made my heart firm on it, made me prayed in the masjid with my uncle after 4 years of not stepping into any of His House and made me fully dependant on His Guidance to deal with toxic people and those family who happened to misunderstood me, all these while. From A-Z, like my body was on autopilot control to walk and move, although I suffered trembling and shaking from C-PTSD whenever I got triggered hearing my mom's name or having flashbacks.
My body and soul was in deep chaos and desperate to save my youngest sister at that given moment. I got to battle my own trauma to save her. I couldn't sleep and eat while I was in Kuching, when my sister was really sick and unwell, battling her own thoughts and wanted to kill herself. I keep staring at the time from early dawn to daylight and waiting to see her at the psychiatrist ward.
Although my husband told me, it's the precise outcome she ought to face because she didn't stand up for herself when pressured to study medic and become a doctor. I didn't took it seriously when he warned me about her lifestyle and behaviors. I was shaking, trembling and crying all the way from the departure hall, waiting for flight and all the way in the airplane. I don't want to fail in saving her because of my ignorance.
I was very inebriate angry with rage and frustrated at my mother too. All because when my siblings are afflicted with mental illness due to their own trauma and how my mom perceived their pain as "insolent/derhaka" for the past 8 years. Instead of saying the right words and be a source of comfort. Not gaslighting and glorify the "mother" card to control and shamed me with religion.
All I think was to be there for my youngest sister and give my moral support, while handling drama between my mom and those who are involved in my sister's calamity especially uncles from my late father's side. They're concerned about her scholarship and penalty if she couldn't finish her housemanship
But when everything was settled and sorted out, the bigger picture is my sister now well bouncing back to a new life, with a new job.
Oh yeah, some conclusion to this mind-blowing oddesey.
After the whole ordeal and making sure they took care of my sister,I experienced Ramadhan and Eid Fitri much more beautiful and more memorable than before. We (my husband and I) managed to fly for a week celebrated fasting and Hari Raya and left Kedah for the first time for Eid Fitri with our son Qalid. Also his first time, flying too.
In the Holy month, I could once again made reading Quran as part of my daily habit and went for a full tarawikh prayers with my husband.
I was able to forgive my mother and accept her narcissistic traits/habits as part of her identity and how much in denial or ego she vested in herself as parents.
I went to my Father's grave after 8 years of not visiting him physically there with my husband and son, Qalid Ayden. It's their first time visiting him too.
I felt so at peace and the breeze was so cooling, whenever I was there. No matter how scorchingly hot the weather at that particular, it will become super shady and calming to sit there and recite prayers for bim.
I also managed to fast for 9 days up until Arafah day.
And a few weeks before my birthday on 6th June, I discovered I was pregnant with my second child due early next year.
Alhamdulillah for all the pain and pleasure I received, blessings, test and Guidance I received in Life so far.
This chapter of Awekening will continue to inspire me as part of my learning process as a human and a servant of Allah SWT and His Messenger.
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